#06

2011-11-13T08:28:00.004+08:00

Been a long time since I last posted anything here.
If you're wondering why,

http://twisted-rhymes.livejournal.com/ :)

Jean Fang

2010-07-20T00:14:00.002+08:00

Just a few minutes spent talking to this girl online just now made me realise how much I miss her, and how much I miss all the htht sessions which we've had back in Cedar. I feel so blessed to have someone like her who prolly knows me as much as a few others do; someone who listens attentively to my woes; someone whom I'd be willing to share my troubles with.

But then again, the very fact that we are now in colleges mean that there are certain things which I now find it hard to share. Things which only one or two of my close SA friends would understand. Recently, I feel so helpless looking at the current state. I wish I could tell someone, I wish someone would help get me out of this mess, or at least clear the pieces with me.

But I'm being held back.
By something stronger than I've ever imagined.

Don't be irreplaceable.

2010-07-06T21:16:00.005+08:00

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

EXCO results were finally out today.

Well, I didn't plan to blog about it. But decided against it because the whole issue is causing my thoughts to run wild again.

Everyone deserves a chance and the fact that I got it shld make me happy. but I really wonder if it's a good thing after all. It's an entirely new experience to me, I'd say? ODAC is so different from PSB and RC - I don't know if I can cope with the new demands from a sports cca.

It's not going to be easy for me, especially in view of my academic performance and my inclination to procrastinate. But, I guess I'll learn to cope with it. I just hope my obsessive perfectionism won't irritate the rest or cause problems.

Alright, I need to start on eom.

Can't live, can't breathe with no air.

2010-07-04T22:32:00.004+08:00

I wonder why teachers love to throw us last-minute homework, especially in the midst of our well-deserved break after cts. Is it because they all know that we do not adhere to deadlines?Hmm. then that's abso-freaking-lutely retarded.

I'm quite surprised by the response for my group's pw survey. From my observation, most people gave their most sincere feedback about foreigners in SGP - both good and bad. some replies amused me, like "...I've tried ... greeting them etc but most of them ... look at me as if i'm a prostitute." hahah I thought those foreign workers are usually more than happy to see us look at them! Okay this requires more in-depth research.

On another note, we celebrated mt's birthday at her hse today! hahah it was meant to be a surprise visit but was considered a failed attempt? Nonetheless, it was a nice gathering. idk why, but sue was so easily amused today. And the birthday card was so interestingly drawn. Must compliment shifu for that. No sarcasm intended ah. (: Oh and we watched remember me by mt's favorite - robert patty. But there was a general consensus that the movie was rather ... weird? Abrupt ending coupled with an unexpected connection to 911 = huh??? hahah.

My mum is trying to learn how to text.
After a long long while, she finally managed to compose a msg.

After 8 drafts and a costly mms.

sis: "why you go and attach the bear animation! need money eh."
mum: "i don't know. they ask me whether i want to attach so i just click okay lor."

Hahah, okay she's still fiddling with the other functions of the text msg now.

Last but not least, quote of the week:

"We had a confrontational scene where I sort of push him around a little bit. I thought I'd really scare him and grab him and it would freak him out. So I went to grab his shoulder, but he's so pumped up. It was too big to actually get a grip on. That was kind of embarrassing. I did tease him unmercifully about having to dress up in a little grey spandex wolf suit all the time and try and be intimidating while Kristen was patting him on the head."

-- Robert Pattinson on competing with Taylor Lautner in Twilight.

and news related to my pw project:

I feel sad for this guy here.

Cereal Killers, look here if not I'll kill you.

2010-07-02T13:06:00.000+08:00

alright,cts are finally over! yaye (: as much as i want to express my joy and happiness about it, i want to take out some time to thank the cereal killers for their support during this crazy period.

daphne law: LSM! there are just so many things which I want (and need) to thank you for, but i don't know where to start from. you're really one special friend whom I didn't expect to meet here, in SA. i love how we often think alike about certain issues - it honestly makes me feel so much better when i'm able to confide in someone, especially when i've many issues which i rather keep to myself. it's always a pleasurable experience confiding in you because not only do you listen (and not hear), you give good advice. "A problem shared is a problem halved" - this sentence is so well-said when I apply it to the two of us. i also like it when you play around with words and never fail to make me feel so good, appreciated, and blessed. you don't know how thankful I am for having a buddy like you - both a close confidante and a great company to be with.

mag: halo magda! do i sound like your cousin? teehee. firstly, i want to thank you for being my closest company right from the start of the year. i really feel so fortunate to have made the same decision as you to take this subject combination and end up in this awesome class of A03. thank-you for being such a funny friend and making me laugh at the most unexpected moments. haha not forgetting all our little tricks to make fun of our classmates like the 'adrenaline rush' joke and the 'tapping game'. others may find our tricks stupid or lame, but so what, so long as those tricks have us in fits of laughter all the time, ain't it?

nat ho: hey crazy woman with classic facial expressions and who likes to call me 'she bae bae' (and not my version of 'se bei bei'. you just have to make it sound so korean right.). you're honestly one awesome friend I've made in SA - i absolutely love to hang out with you because i can always be myself when i'm with you. this matters a lot to me, especially since it's rare for me to open up to a friend easily in this aspect. i love how you always tickle my fats, give me the she bae bae look, attempt to slack when we're supposed to study, and doing all kinds of actions which amuse me. those are the little things that make me truly enjoy every single moment spent with you. thank-you for giving me the reassurance that you won't give up your studies during the cts period and calling me to clear your doubts. it feels great to know that you're determined to do well.

pling: i can never stop laughing at the way you talk, pling! haha it's always hilarious when you talk and mix all the hokkien phrases in between your words. that aside, you've doubtlessly been a great friend as well primarily because of your natural ability to converse with others like as if you've known them for years - that makes it so easy to talk to you. i'll never forget the times when you sleep in lectures and rebutt the teachers. okay and lastly, same as nat, thank-you for giving me the reassurance that you won't give up your studies during the cts period and calling me to clear your doubts. it feels great to know that you're determined to do well!

WHEE~ i'm done. okay, i'm back to Karate Kid. Natho, stop disturbing me already. :D

In You I Trust.

2010-06-30T21:40:00.007+08:00

SYF 2008 Red Cross @ Indoor Stadium

this link caught my eye when I was at my fb wall page. it's weird how it's always there but I rarely click on it.

anyway, re-watching the video made me realise just how much I miss marching to the beat with the squad. even though my footdrill wasn't the best of all, being part of the squad mattered the most above all.

just look at SYF '08. simple performances like that alone reflects so much about the amount of hard work which we put in together as a team, let alone competitions like FDC.

and you see, it's exactly these competitions which put our team spirit to test and make us so united. even though the process is tough, y'know your squad will be there to endure the pain with you and that's all it takes for us to emerge victoriously every single time. symbolic victories.

many people may have this misperception that red cross is a slack cca, or even a noob one. but in actual fact, it is not. (i'm not trying to be biased towards my cca.) just look at how much you can gain from being in a UG. military-style trngs aside, you get to pick up so many skills along the way and every day you attend training with the mindset of learning smth new.

i hate to say this - unlike red cross, odac doesn't give me that sense of satisfaction after each trng. there's hardly any teamwork required and that makes me miss that tremendous sense of camaraderie which I've experienced in the past four years or so.

every bang; every beat; every precise movement; every jerk; every hentak; every well-deserved water break; every ...

oh, and not forgetting every single silly action which our squad did just before we fall in. and how rach was always at a loss of what to do with her crazy squadmates. haha i'll never forget that helpless expression hung on her face at the start of every trng.

if only we were given a second try;

The thought of nothing after death scares me.

2010-06-29T16:33:00.001+08:00

though I didn't speak much today, i really love seeing all the familiar faces of A03 once again. (:

and thank god, i survived econs and history today.
killer papers.

ok i need sleep.

A good time had by all.

2010-06-27T01:21:00.002+08:00

i wasn't this strong.
i wasn't this optimistic.
i wasn't this encouraging.

in actual fact, i was weak.

but i suppose those self-help books benefited me after all. coming across a wide range of books for the past one year or so, i've learnt to take things easy and think far beyond. yes, i agree that it's all in the head. it's all about our mindset. it's all about how we perceive things.

although it's a very simple logic to understand, many still find it hard to apply what they've learnt in real life and extricate themselves from unplesant situations. others choose to revel in this 'newly-found freedom', not knowing that it's actually a form of escapism which only serves to diminish their confidence and shaken their faith in time to come.

it took me ages to tell myself this whenever i'm about to lose faith:
"i can do this.".

a really long time.

a phrase simple enough, but not all can say it out loud and execute it.
i wish you could.

2010-06-27T00:59:00.001+08:00

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."

the mood of deepening pessimism is reigning supreme in me once again.

no, it's not my personal problems this time round. it's the people around me, my friends. it really saddens me so much to see my friends losing hope in their studies, even my sister. you won't be able to imagine how hard it breaks my heart when i try to infuse them with my optimism but things just don't work out the way i wanted them to. i feel useless. i feel helpless. i feel like a rotten friend.

it's just like how a particular victory would only taste sweet when your friends complete the race with you and share your glory. it's not about me alone - i never wanted it that way. i don't want a victory that belongs to me only. what's the point? what's the point of getting a satisfactory grade in exchange for my friends' dejected faces at the end of the day?

i really want to make good of the promises which i've made to my friends, but i'm really afraid that i'll lose focus at a certain point in time and end up letting them down instead. sigh, who's getting close enough to understand how i feel.

i cannot believe that i'm this close to breaking down tonight.

i really hope all my friends can brace up and stay hopeful. especially my sister. if you happen to be reading this, know that i'll be here to help you if you need. there's really nothing that frightening about o'levels. please stop freaking out.

Knight and Day

2010-06-25T23:12:00.002+08:00

cool movie with sister this afternoon. though the opportunity cost incurred from doing that is pretty high, I don't regret spending quality time with my loveee. when did I ever regret, anyway? (:

tom cruise is so charming in the movie to the extent that I feel cameron diaz cannot match up to him. ok who am I to judge. but omg, I really love all his stunts and his quirky sense of humour. you should catch it sometime soon. learn to chillax. in the meantime, I shall move on and look forward to Eclipse!!! yay excitement much.

I'm highly tempted to sink into that state of pessimism again - where I'll start thinking abt failing my cts, etc. but I shall not.

I cannot afford to, especially at this point in time.

go everyone! please don't shaken my faith by telling me that you're going to screw cts. tango yankee!

Gleeeee

2010-06-24T00:34:00.002+08:00

Will: Don't lose track of yourself just because it's easy to be somebody else.

I can't wait for all these mugging sessions to end.

Internal Diseconomies of Scale: Over-specialisation
Large firms have workers who are trapped in repetitive, mundane jobs and have limited interest in the success of the company. This leads to greater incidence of spoiled work. Efficiency declines and more costs have to be incurred on quality control.

I like Econs. Though most teachers have the inclination to use bombastic and complex words in their notes, I enjoy reading about how the market works and drawing those reslly cool graphs.

Ok, that was part of self-motivation.

Nah just kidding, I really like Econs. But Math is still the best; you can do it anytime and anywhere. It keeps you awake.

To sum up the previous 3 paragraphs, Hist sucks. Just the revision part.

SIGH.

This is part of my Econs revision.

2010-06-21T22:09:00.001+08:00

Ok, I did not fulfil my promise to study Econs.
I'm here.
Still.

Because of someone.

Jia Ai says:
*so hard to say that to a guy!!!!!!

Ar-nerd:
*LOL hahah..lol lucky i dont really find it awkward to talk to females..like gable

That was an inside joke, so... skip this post if you're not ar-nerd.

Ar-nerd! :D I know how much you appreciate it when your big name is mentioned on someone's blog. (That's why I put your name here in Arial Large)

So, here it is! A short dedication for you although I've already done so on fb: Thanks for all the MSN convos - it's always so interesting, funny, and full of both nonsensical and serious stuff. I'm really thankful for that because through all those conversations, I get to know you a hell lot better. Additionally (this sounds so GP), little words you say often make me smile like some retard. Like, "eh brb. dont go away !!!" I know it's because no one else is online, but still, aww. :D You're honestly one of a kind, a loyal friend whom I'll definitely learn to treasure a lot. Please study hard for CTs! But don't try to outsmart me. :P

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

2010-06-21T21:12:00.001+08:00

Cheesy pick-up lines aside, I just had a retarded convo with Jos. Ok, it's sure weird addressing him by his nickname. So I'll stick to Josiah.

no can do's ville says:
*but its true i slack alot

Jia Ai says:
*hahaha no lah, i dont even believe you slack
*okay maybe you do, but not as much as me

no can do's ville says:
*its time you started believing lady

Jia Ai says:
*haha okay lah!
*okay i still dont believe :D
*it's way too hard to believe you
*whats the guy version of "lady"

no can do's ville says:
*handsome man

wtshit seriously. Hahah but that made me laugh. So, :D

Ok, I better go start on my Econs now. CTs in 6 days' time. ): But on a happier note, I'm looking forward to Eclipse on 1st July with lovelies and a long-awaited outing with click. Awesome <3

Oh before I go, I really miss AO3. Honestly, I can't wait for school to re-open despite the nearing of scary CTs.

Climbing the Ladder of Life with Friends

2010-06-15T23:39:00.011+08:00

(/edited)

When climbing this ladder, we aim far. We aim for nothing but the peak - the best things in life which we think we deserve.

At some point, this ladder gets so steep that one careless move will push us all back to the origin where we first ventured on, back to point zero. Such heavy setbacks in life hit us when we least expect it, and that's when we start falling into that bottomless pit...

At the next instant, we find ourselves sitting on the edge of an abyss. Some choose to wait for a miracle to happen, or a sign of hope to bring them back to the top again. Others simply plunge into that state of despair.

To me, those are times when we need to gather strength from somewhere, or from someone. Or anything that can take away that excruciating pain which we have suffered from the fall.

Probably friends. I cannot imagine climbing this ladder without friends. I'm honestly so blessed to have these people in my life to guide me through the darkest storms, to navigate me through the maze of one-way streets.

Every victorious moment tasted so sweet because of their presence;

Every day you feel special because of their love and care for you;

Every tiny achievement was made signifcant because of their praises;

Every morning you look forward to school knowing that they are going to make your day;

Every letter and email mean the world to you because they are written with such sincerity;

To sum it all up, I'm sure I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

Moving on to the second part of this post, I realise that I've the tendency to wonder so much and let my imagination run so wild that I neglect those happy moments at times. I wonder why my friends fail to meet up to my expectations of a "perfect friend"; I wonder why they do things that upset me; I wonder how friendships turn sour overnight, etc. I get displeased and annoyed easily, just like how everyone around me does. That applies to true friends, good friends, and even acquaintances.

Tonight, I see my mistake in having that mindset.

All these while, I've overlooked the fact that all of us are born differently. It's exactly those tiny little flaws which we all have that shape our views, make us think differently, and gradually see cracklines in our friendships. But I suppose that happens only because all of us grew up hearing different stories, receiving different types of education, and watching different shows?

How about finding smilarities? Similar interests, similar school worries, similar ambitions in life?

Will those similarities actually overcome the differences? Well, I believe they will. (:

The key to sustaining a friendship?
To me, it's prolly to embrace the perfect imperfections.

And lastly, a quote from Mardhiyyah:
"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

I cannot agree more on this.

#06

2010-06-13T22:57:00.001+08:00

Everyone likes to feel appreciated.

And all it takes is a few simple and heartfelt words to do the magic.

---

Time really flies when we choose fun over work.

I'm looking at today's date in disbelief: 13 June. Two weeks have flew past and look what I've accomplished - merely two chapters of Econs. Gosh. Somehow, everyone around me is in this "wtshit, I haven't studied or done my homework yet" mood. We are all, so, dead.

On a lighter note, hotel stay with lovelies last night (and this morning) lifted all our spirits, I'm sure. As usual, it was all about pigging out, gales of laughter, and some exercise to lessen the guilt. Hahah. Oh and we celebrated Grace's, PJ's, and my birthday! We all received really interesting presents, especially me. It was an awesome gift, which I believe, was entitled to me and me only - the ultimate se bei bei. Haha! I'll prolly post a peekture of it here sometime later. Oh btw peeps, I'm touching the boobies now. And, well shaking it to amuse myself. :D

Transparent glass door for the bathroom, Largest pimple in the world (viewers' discretion adviced), Alejandro, 画皮, opening of presents, Grace's birthday, lazing/rolling/jumping around, secret fart attacks, Jacuzzi, blueberries, ...

All in all, it was a perfect 'getaway' from my mundane holiday-lifestyle. Thanks lovelies <3

An overcast winter morning.

2010-06-08T22:44:00.001+08:00

1. Time to learn how to tread in this deep pool of confusion and bleakness.
2. Unproductive mugging sessions have to end.
3. Gosh, my left eyelid is twitching and I cannot stop it.

She's the dawn.

2010-06-07T17:58:00.000+08:00

One has issues with her bestfriend, Two spends her days wondering what her life would be like in a few years' time, Three hopes for a confidante in her life, Four refuses to accept the fact that he's in the wrong, Five tries to act like she fears nothing but everyone knows her hidden self too well, Six hopes to make the world a happier place to live in, Seven is a risk-taker, Eight always has an opinion about everything, Nine calls everyone a bastard, Ten never stops trying to do the right thing.

We don't know what's going to happen in the future. So we decide to take chances. So we decide to take risks. But when things do not turn out the way we expected them to, we frown we swear we lose hope.

But perhaps sometime later - maybe a few years, 12 months, 9 days, 6 minutes, 3 seconds - we will find answers to the unknowns now.

We move out, we move away, we move along.

2010-06-06T21:31:00.002+08:00

I hate the way regrets taste;

It's like a mixed drink brimming with all kinds of weird ingredients. You don't quite know how to describe the feeling which you get after taking a sip, but it's definitely a bitter taste which you would never want to try again. And even after you have decided not to take a second sip, that bitterness lingers on in your mouth.

In a similar context - just when you have decided not to repeat your mistake, realisation hit you and you're forced to accept the fact that it's all too late for a mistake beyond salvation. That's regret.

I rmb the first time when our eyes met, the weird atmosphere that was surrounding us, and practically all other insignificant memories which we shared. All those little details may seem ancient to you now, but I see them clearer than anything else tonight.

I regret rejecting you.
I regret pushing you away.
I regret being part of your history today.

I miss you. ):

---

HAHA does this post sound like some BGR problem to you? I hope not.

When something is 99% not going to work out,

2010-06-05T13:28:00.004+08:00

I'm bushed.

5km isn't a long distance, but I still feel so tired now. ): Anyway, the day started out pretty bad because I thought I was going to be late for the walk. Spent over 10bucks with Van on cab fare and I felt so indignant about it. The best thing is, the walk only started at 8am.

A few minutes after the walk has started, I discovered, to my dismay, the true meaning behind the walk. Personally, I feel that the objectives were not met.

"Treacherous roads, uneven flooring, broken glass, scorching ground and discarded sharp objects... Everyday, people in developing countries disaster-stricken places make their way through these undesirable conditions - barefoot.

Let us take off our shoes on this one particular day in support of these children and adults who live in such dire conditions."

1) It wasn't a sunny day since we walked in the morning.

2) The ground wasn't that rough.

I'm not trying to whine about this. But to be honest, the event disappointed me much. Oh well. Perhaps the walk promoted some family bonding at least.

---

It was Mrs Koh's "farewell" yesterday. Haha, it turned out that MK might be coming back next year. So, the atmosphere surrounding me, VC, Alena, and MK was kind of weird. Nonetheless, it felt great to see the high level of enthusiasm in the PSLs. It was nice catching up with Exco too. They seem happy in their respective schools. (:

Ok, I'm too tired to blog further. Toods.

I could really use a wish right now.

2010-06-04T00:28:00.004+08:00

I've been seeing that sentence everywhere, y'know. Blogs, fb, everywhere. Human wants are seriously unlimited man.

I realize I haven't blog in ages. Thankfully shifu the retard reminded me. (: Anyway, I'm so glad that the June Hols extra lessons are finally over, because they seriously spoil my mood and I'll always end up wasting the rest of the day after school. Without fail. Don't believe? Ask Nat Ho who's currently obsessed with Glee. That lame shit who loves to touch me. I don't know what's wrong with her.

Oh speaking of her, I'm so happy that we've finally found a great place to hang out! I shan't disclose the venue here, in case there are some cheeky stalkers out there waiting for a golden opportunity to pounce on me. Hahaha I'm so high now ~. OK I should stop digressing. As I was saying, it's (I'm serious about not revealing the venue) really a conducive environment to study in because it's so huge but sparsely populated. I must study from next week onwards, no more excuses. Same goes to you.

I'm so excited for tomorrow because I'm finally going back to Cedar again! Though I'm attending a sad farewell, I'm totally looking forward to seeing my dear Exco, seniors, juniors and Mrs Koh after such a long time. I miss VC and doing all the sai gang with Exco, like what Vina had said. I miss Shannon, need to talk to her real sooon. I miss Mat. She just sent me a random but sweet msg. I'm so touched. <3 Here are two pick-up lines which she contributed to this blog entry: "Do you have a map? Cause I get lost in your eyes." And, "Are you tired? Cause you keep running around in my mind." So cliche and cheesy right. She still dared to proclaim that it's cool and original. Haha :D

My squadmates are honestly retarded beyond measure. My blog posts excite them. HAHA cool choice of word huh. Come to think of it, it's creepy to not know your readers. Dangers lurks around every corner in the World Wide Web, don't you think so? The probability of some cheeky stalkers out there waiting for a golden opportunity to pounce on me is like... OK my Math sucks. But you get my point dude.

My stomach is feeling empty, again.

P.S. I put the picture of the cow on top because I heard that if you look at the cow hard enough for 10 long seconds, you will see it shake its butt. I'm serious. Go try.

Lovelies Rule.

2010-06-01T22:07:00.002+08:00

Haloooo.

Isn't this picture niceee? Haha I was playing with Paint and decided to put all our Polaroids photos @ Tea Party together. A bit blur though, but rest assured I'll do a nicer one that includes the rest next time! (:

I

2010-05-27T23:06:00.001+08:00

Forgot to mention that I witnessed a bloody dead cat getting run over by a car during the bus ride to Queensway yesterday. It was honestly traumatizing.

:/

Am still in the process of accomodating myself to the living conditions of the elderly. For instance, I still find it hard to endure the smell, which can be really unbearable at times. And that sense of helplessness which assails me whenever I fail to take care of them properly is seriously, _. I cannot think of an appropriate word to fill in that blank. You really have to experience it yourself.

Attending to my grandmother when she was hospitalised made me realise the importance of nurses. Nursing is such a noble job, and I'm honestly thankful for all the nurses in this world. They deserve our respect for doing all the "dirty" jobs for us.

Speaking of my grandmother's hospitalisation period, I'm reminded of a particular scene which took place when I visited her not too long ago. As usual, there were four other patients sharing the same ward as her. This time round, however, there were less visitors. Relatives sat by the beds while the patients stared into blank spaces. After a few moments of observation, I continued talking to my grandmother.

Another few moments later, the middle-aged patient whose bed was right next to my grandmother's bed spoke.

She told my grandmother in Hokkien, "woah aunty, so many people visit you ah..."

At that instant, I seemed to sense a tinge of sadness in her words despite her cheerful outlook. Taking a closer look, I found many tubes connected to her body and I couldn't resist the urge of letting out a sigh. Throughout the three hours of my visit at the ward, the only people who went near her bed were the doctor and nurses who did the regular checks on her. No one else visited her. And I wonder why.

I've always admired my cousins for their proficiency in Hokkien. Doubtlessly, communicating with the elderly is their forte. They never fail to amuse my grandparents with their lame jokes and I've always wished that I could do the same. But oh well, I guess I need more time.

On a lighter note, I had one of the most enjoyable dinner (s) with daphne and natho today. I love the feeling of us pigging out and sharing all our food, especially after GP test. (:

Bare Your Sole walk next Saturday, and I'm looking forward to it.
Anyone else going?

2010-05-26T20:09:00.000+08:00

One of the few funny things that happened recently - I became the Vice GP rep. Hahaha it seems like the biggest joke to me seriously. I suppose it's an inside "joke" which only AO3 would understand. So, I shan't elaborate much here. Just want to tell Daphne that I'd be the best assistant to her. *winks*

My mum is seriously one of a kind. She's one unique mum who doesn't care about how late I get home, how I've been faring in my studies, who I hang out with outside, etc. Instead, she's always concerned about my cellulite, my BGR problems (which fyi, don't exist), and other issues which typical mums do not not usually care about. I'm honestly thankful for having a mum like her - a great mum who has suffered for at least 6 hours just to pop out a huge baby who had no hair like me. She's so awesome and I bet she doesn't know how much I love her because I'm just too shy to say anything in front of her. :D

On Saturday, I had fun dragonboating with squadmates at Kallang Water Sports Centre. Even though the event was rather weird at some parts, I still enjoyed it because 1) presence of squadmates 2) The Pink Paddlers inspired me a lot during their sharing of experiences. I was honestly impressed by the strong fighting spirit of those survivors of breast cancer. Despite their painful chemo sessions, they still lead such a healthy and active lifestyle. So, I'd say the event was a success for the TJcians. (:

Moving on, I celebrated bei's birthday at TJ on Tuesday! I'm so happy to see those two girls again, after such a long time. (: I'm so glad that we met up to her expectations of a birthday surprise. (: A pity nat wasn't there, otherwise it would have been such a happy reunion.

Oh and I saw kuku meidian too! Someone looks so sexayy pompeepee with her sleeveless touchrug shirt. Hahaha! (: OK I shall end off here. yay June hols are coming :D

P.s. I miss my grandparents. ):

Unknowns.

2010-05-17T23:40:00.000+08:00

When a day comes and you need to choose between talk and listen,

What would you choose?

Would you succumb to the temptation of unloading all your pain and worries to another person?

Or would you resist that inner urge and listen to the sorrows of others?

I’ve struggled with this situation many times recently.
And I guess my reaction to it will never change.

Prior to this was an urge to lament/complain about something.
But well, I’ve decided against it.

After all,

“Being happy is all that matters”. -LSM

Imma introvert.

2010-05-10T17:59:00.016+08:00

"Squadmates ♥ 4 years of blood, sweat, tears and fears."

Rachel. Gaya. Juwinda. Mei Tian. Corryne. Zakiah. Brenda. Adelyn.
Elaine. Grace. Puay Joo. Ying Jie. Thidar. Yvonne.
Shuek Chian. Mei Xian. Sharon. Periya. Chun Yi. Sue-Ann.

I remember...

How terrified we were of the sec 4 ma'ams;
How scary it was to be section I/C and overall I/C;
How angry ma'ams were when we lost the pegs for the tents during camp;
How we toiled under the scorching sun during FDC trainings, marching to the awesome beat of "One in A Million" and "You Opened My Eyes";
How our feet burned, our boots tore, and our armpits suffered abrasions from the constant marching;
How it felt like to win the Championship titles after all the hard work;
How much we disappointed our CCA teachers and seniors;
How hard it was to put up with all the criticisms from others;
How much tears we shed over our squad problems;

I miss...

The times when you all encouraged me when I was nearly drowning in my leadership commitments;
The times when you all appreciated what I've done for the unit via email/sms/etc;
The times when you guys stopped and shush-ed everyone when I had something important to address;
The times when you all stood by me and assured me that I wasn't alone when I faced juniors' conflicts;
The times when we played badminton together after finishing the juniors' farewell gifts;
The times when I went crazy out of the blue and you all would just join in the fun;
The times when you all called me mama aiai;
The times when there was always a listening ear around, or simply a shoulder for me to lean on.

I yearn for...

The unique laughter of each and every one of you;
The times when we sat on ma'ams bench and talked/slacked/played;
The sizzling hot gossiping sessions;
The retarded times we share, e.g. video in my phone featuring kuku meitian, meixian, and shuekchian doing some weird dance and how they jumped when the lightning struck;
The beach outings and other small gatherings;
The extremely high and crazy converations.

I want a backspace button in my life right now.

I hate typing this post in past tense.
It feels awful, really. ):

But I know I've to move on. My JC friends are really awesome, but they are still quite different from the twenty of you. I suppose four long years spent together (through thick and thin) coupled with the hectic pace of JC life make it really difficult for me to stop missing you people. Life in Cedar then was so relaxing and there was definitely room for both work and play. Unlike now, where the focus is all on A'levels and I feel so easily shagged out every now and then.

In the past, there were ample opportunities for us to understand and know each other inside-out, hence we were able to truly enjoy every single minute spent together. We've never once doubted our love for one another (at least in my case); even though we hardly show it through our speech or via verbal promises. Also, it often takes so little for you guys to read my thoughts, and this never fail to amaze me. Days spent with you guys were simply this simple, blissful, and bittersweet. I really couldn't ask for more.

As I type this entry, I'm reminded of this particular sms which shifu texted us last time. She mentioned that life in NJ was unbearable and that she wanted us to meet up soon because we are like her energy boosters (if this word even exists). OK maybe that's not exactly what she said, but I believe it's somewhere along those lines. The main point is, I finally see the importance of squadmates in my heart. I see it clearer than anything else now.

I used to love SA life. Well, I still do, but prolly not as much anymore. Sadly said, I realise that I've quietened down with the passage of time (in SA). Nothing's there to perk me up. I still laugh, but it's never a two-way kind of thing. ):

Nonetheless...

To my SA friends, in particular the Cereal Killers: You guys still hold an importance place in my heart. Even though we may not be very bonded yet, I believe you guys will be that pillar of strength for me throughout these two years in JC. I really need the four of you to come out of SA "unscathed" after A'levels.

In the meantime, let's live life to the fullest in SA. While missing your secondary school friends badly, don't forget about this clique k. (:

P.S. Thank-you lawyer for asking me if I was okay today. It truly means a lot. (:

Listen to the inner soul.

2010-05-10T16:41:00.004+08:00

I'm more prone to overthinking than anything else, of late.

Clouds and rainstorm on horizon at sunset,

near Michoud, I-10 West, New Orleans, 2008

I need to get these strong bad feelings out of my system fast, take a breather, before I delve back into the harsh aspects of life. So here I am now, loading my emotions upon every word of this post. Sorry for being emotional today. ):

Sometimes, I really wonder how I survive this constant disjunction- living a life like this from day to day, knowing that at any moment the glass floor beneath us could shatter into million pieces. It's tantamount to treading on a line so fine that a small careless slip would cause us both instant death.

I know I'd soon be consumed by this sense of insecurity.

Putting up facades was never my way out. But judging from the way things are now, I prolly have to think of it as the current best solution. In a sense, a mindset like this is plain selfish and scary - especially when I know how much I stand to lose for weaving such huge white lies. I hate it whenever such helplessness assails me.

I'm standing at one end of the bridge, and you're just a few steps away, there waiting at the opposite end. I know taking another step would kill me. But if it makes you happy, so be it. Just don't be too surprised when the situation turns ugly. Because subconsciously, you've turned me into an unfeeling soul. Yes, you did.

And then it was all too good to be true, ain't it?

Carpe diem.

2010-05-04T21:09:00.007+08:00

"You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love." - Nicholas Sparks

We often spend our days wondering...

Why we have never-ending homework;
Why we have to face the pressure of JC/poly life;
Why we have to put up with facades;
Why we have to do things for the sake of doing it;
Why we have to wait so long for the bus to come;
Why we have no money to satisfy our materialistic wants;
Why our friends do not care;
Why our parents do not understand us;
Why we are having a fate worse than death.

And the list goes on.

But have we ever stopped in our tracks and think: Would we still feel the same way when we are old? Or rather, would we still have the opportunity and privilege to?

At this precise moment in time, when we are all drowning in our homework or probably struggling to cope with all kinds of relationship problems, ever thought of what the sick and elderly may be doing? Some of them are so weak that they cannot move an inch. They spend their days staring out of the windows, thinking about their remaining days. They think of their family (who may not have visited them in ages), they think of their purpose in life, their future (which prolly seems bleak at the moment), they think of death.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your lives like this - not being able to do anything, except staring out into blank spaces? Picture yourself doing that; every single day, hour, minute, second, moment of your life. Perhaps that's exactly when we'd wish for things to happen, things to keep us preoccupied, things to prevent us from having bad thoughts like death.

Whenever I'm reminded of my grandparents, I'd think about this. And this thought process often keeps me going. I suppose the reason why I'm fighting so hard to cope with everything now is because I don't want to spend my last few days regretting. I want to have memories which I can still reminisce about when I'm old - both beautiful and ugly ones.

Life's never about a long and smooth journey.

As the saying goes, "If you haven't failed, you haven't really learned", life's all about making mistakes and coming out as a stronger individual after each fall. If you think you're suffering a fate worse than death right now, think about how you once thought the same way about something different when you were young. It's probably insignificant beyond measure to you right now.

Sometimes, I feel really afraid. I don't know what my future holds, I don't know what to expect. But one thing for sure, the working world is going to be hell, and most likely a million times worse than what I'm going through now.

So frankly speaking, what's there to complain about my current life?

Sometimes, all you need to do is to take out some time to count the little blessings in life. Think of the people who once made you smile. Think of those crazy moments, which may never come again. And appreciate.

Beautiful, isn't it?

♥

And in case you're still wondering,
Carpe diem means Seize The Day.

NSF recounts brutal assault

2010-05-02T00:27:00.005+08:00

Singapore

Home > Breaking News > Singapore > Story

Apr 29, 2010

Khushwant Singh
IN HIS testimony over the past two days, Mr Lee Poh Kiang, 19, described how he was assaulted by four men, including the father and uncle of his girlfriend, at a petrol station in Ang Mo Kio on May 29 last year.

They took away his cell phone and forced him and the girlfriend into a car for the trip to the Yio Chu Kang Cemetery. There, two more men joined in the attack and despite the girl begging her father to spare her friend, they burnt him with cigarettes, beat him with a baton and then threatened him a samurai sword.

On Thursday afternoon, defence counsel Subhas Anandan tried to punch holes in the NSF's testimony and Mr Lee had trouble explaining why he had told the doctor at the National University Hospital (NUH) immediately after the attack that 'two men had assaulted him with their bare hands and with sticks', which was contrary to his testimony.

Speaking in Mandarin, he also said that he was terrified when one of his attackers promised to finish him off after placing the sword on the back of his neck.

'I really thought they will chop and kill me,' he said. It was only to scare him and after he was let off, he hid in a large drain until his attackers left.

As the girl is below 16 years, she, her father and uncle cannot be named, to protect her. The hearing has been adjourned until Monday.

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I seriously cannot believe such incidents are happening in Singapore, or rather, to someone so close to me.

How can parents behave in such an unreasonable way? Even if they want to protect their child, they shouldn't resort to using such violent methods on him, especially when he is only a teenager.

Sigh, I just hope that he would get himself off this case soon.
No one deserves to pay such a high price.

Happiness is a warm puppy.

2010-04-28T23:14:00.001+08:00

The very man who has argued you down, will sometimes be found, years later, to have been influenced by what you said.

- C.S. Lewis

Spending this afternoon in Cedar was considered pure happiness to me.
I was at the correct place, at the correct time, with the correct people.

Being able to teach Evac all over again today brought about immense joy to me. Somehow, I just love doing the Evacuation methods. I'd never forget the various points of contacts; I'd never forget which hand to grab where; I'd never forget the rationales behind doing certain steps. It seems like Evac has become a part of me, although some may hate it to the core like *coughs* someone. :P To add on to my joy, the sec 2s performed pretty well during lesson today. I'm glad they've improved tremendously from the last time I saw them, which was during the horrible March Camp accreditation. I honestly heaved a sigh of relief. (:

MM, Grace, MT and I stayed back to talk to the sec 3s after training has ended. It was such a nice talk, and I totally love the atmosphere that was surrounding us. I love the feeling of us coming together to think of solutions to propel the unit further. Those are the times when I wished I had plucked up the courage to join VIP so that I can do more for them. But oh well, it's all too late. Anyway, I'm truly happy for the sec 3s. I feel that they've done us proud, or at least me. Seeing them grow comforts me, a lot. (:

Thank you MM, Grace, and Meitian for today because I really had a good laugh listening (and sharing) to all our JC life funny stories. It was indeed a sweet escape from the harsh aspects of school. We should really meet up soon again to catch up! (:

A pity I didn't get to talk to the sec 4s today. But I'm sure there'll be plenty of chances awaiting us. (:

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

2010-04-27T21:19:00.001+08:00

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.

We’ve got to embrace the chaos.

2010-04-25T21:47:00.007+08:00

"Everything you’ve done, everything you’ve seen, everything you’ve become, remains. You can never go back, only forward, and if you don’t bring the whole of yourself with you, you’ll never see the sun again."

Prior to my visit to this quote-book tumblr website, I found it pressurizing when people hold high expectations of me. I thought it was suffocating me; I thought it was slowly eating me up inside; I thought it was ruining our relationship.

But reading the above paragraph brought in a new perspective.

Yes, perhaps the reason why you expect so much from me is because I hold an important place in your heart, and you're willing to give in as much as you'd want me to.

Perhaps.

Dotty's latest blog entry serves as a painful reminder that I haven't visited my grandparents in ages. I rmb thng texted me one fine day to remind me to visit them sometime soon. But up till now, I haven't done so. I hate it when my heart tells me to do something, but I just cannot get it into real action. I hate this part of myself.

On a side note, lunch with daph & pling and study date with the latter this afternoon turned out to be a short but nice gathering. pling, you've totally made my day y'know. Thanks for appreciating me; it truly means a lot. (: As for daph, you make me smile (as usual).

Natalieho, I'm really glad to know that you're doing all you can now to stay strong and motivated. You don't know how much assurance your reply this morning gave me man. I'm honestly so proud of you. No stress alright, the four of us will be standing by you. I'll be here to lend a listening ear whenever you need it; I'll be here for you if you need someone to vent your frustrations on. Never forget our promise k. 60 rank points may seem far and unreachable, but I'm sure our faith will move mountains. Even if we do not reach our goal at the end of the day, at least we know we've tried. Jiayou my dear. Look at all the obstacles ahead of you squarely in the eye and say, "I will conquer you." You can do it. (:

Mag, I just want to thank you for all that you've done for me recently. Your appreciation of what I did during the duathlon (on your blog) makes me smile. Though I think I did nothing significant, I'm glad to know that I helped to ease your worry a little before the run. You did great! Even though we did not achieve anything at the end of the race, I truly enjoyed the process because we accomplished it together. Passing you the velcro strip felt awesome. (:

Last but not least, thank you Meitian for your presence on Saturday. Throughout the race, I was peddling fast for the sake of meeting you at the various checkpoints. A pity you turned out to be the marshall at the finishing line. :/ Nonetheless, it was nice catching up with you after the event. I love that familiar feeling. That familiar feeling of us crapping and doing retarded actions in public, you sleeping on my shoulder during rides, and the list goes on. (:

Superiority complex.

2010-04-23T21:15:00.001+08:00

“What is hardest to accept about the passage of time is that the people who once mattered the most to us are wrapped up in parentheses.”

—	John Irving, The Cider House Rules

I was this close to having a second confrontation with you, but I stopped in my tracks just in the nick of time. I wonder if my decision to back down at that instant was wise; I wonder if my cowardice is going to sparkle off more clashes in the near future; I wonder if we can maintain this status quo...

Now I see the resemblance between my sister and me;
We are often the ones who give in when problems set in.
Is that what we both truly seek for in a friendship - to consistently give ~~and take~~?

I wonder again.

It has been a really long growing process for me.

2008, 2009, and a few months into 2010 has shaped my perceptions of friendships, family, and many other issues drastically. I figured that as people grow older, they tend to look at things in a more light-hearted manner and they no longer pick on trivial and insignificant details. In the past, I used to get offended easily when others do things which are against my principles. Just a sarcastic remark alone should suffice to make me boil.

But as I encounter more problems in life and finally have the opportunity to stand in their position, I realize that I inevitably do the exact same things which I once strongly resisted to. Then I'll start thinking to myself, "why on earth did I get angry with them because of this insignifcant matter in the past?"

I suppose that's because in life, there'll always be greater challenges for us to conquer, so much so that we cannot afford to stay in our little bubble and get upset by the little hiccups at present. Isn't it way too silly to channel all our energy and anger into something which we will deem to be insignificant to us a few years down the road, just for the mere sake of basking in that temporary moment of (perhaps), superiority?

Sometimes, it's just about self-control.
Ain't it?

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.

2010-04-20T22:02:00.001+08:00

17th, 18th Apr (Sat/Sun)
1-star kayaking course at Kallang Water Sports Centre during the weekends has left all the ODACers tanned (or rather, burnt), and shagged after twelve long hours under the scorching sun. Boy, I've never felt this tired before. Nonetheless, I must say that I've become good friends with my kayak and paddler at the end of the course. It was pretty fun with all the capsize drills and long expeditions to and fro from Kallang river to Singapore river. I rmb I took part in a similar course (in sec 2) organized by RCY. The syllabus is entirely different though, and I must comment that I've picked up more skills from the recent one. Other than the usual forward/reverse paddling and capsize drill, we were taught drills such as sweep stroke, embarking/disembarking, moving sideways (J-draw, classic draw), stern rudder and low recovery. Out of all the basic skills which were taught, I enjoyed Rescue the most. It's basically a method used to rescue a capsized victim and bring him/her back to his/her kayak. Though that method requires a lot of physical strength, I think Vanessa, Mag and I formed a great team. (: That aside, I guess the J1s somehow managed to bond in the process as well. All in all, it was a great enrichment programme and I'm glad I signed up for it. (:

Thank-you for your care and concern when fatigue overwhelmed me after the long course has ended. I literally heaved a sigh of relief when I saw you offering to help me unpack everything, especially when all I wanted to do then was to close my eyes and get some rest. Thank-you also for offering to fetch me when it was pouring. Despite us having a pretty strained relationship here, I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart and just want to let you know that your efforts were deeply appreciated.

Sunday was horribly spent. Mag and I were having panic attacks at night because we had a History test the following day and we haven't studied a single bit. It was apparently all thanks to the kayaking course which left us both too weary to memorize anything. That feeling of unpreparedness left me worried and sad the next morning. Fortunately, the test turned out to be manageable. Well, at the very least, I managed to fill the paper with some ink.

19th Apr (Mon)
Unsurprisingly, Mag and I went to school on Mon and greeted everyone with our black faces. Our sunburns were hurting real badly, and we successfully became the laughing stock of the class during Math tutorial. Some of our classmates were acting in a highly retarded manner and that managed to crack me up although I thought I was really too tired for jokes then. To sum it all up, Monday was one of those depressing and really tiring school days but A03 managed to hype me up a little towards the end. (:

With each passing day, I tell myself that I ought to learn to treasure A03 more. I really should feel contented because it's clearly not easy to find approachable classmates like those in my class. Although some of the boys can be pretty facetious at times, I still enjoy being their classmate. (:

Anyway, I met up with sis after school has ended. We had late lunch together and talked quite a bit. It's a miraculous feeling knowing how I'm able to tell her everything and anything under the sun although she's younger than me and she hardly knows much about my school life. Or perhaps like what Mag suggested, I just love that family presence.

20th Apr (Tue)
We started the day off with NAPFA 5 items. My performance was honestly below standard. 3A's, 1B (I think. annoying standing broad jump), and 1 freaking D! oh man, I cannot do sit-and-reach for nuts. Blame it on those long legs man. Haha, just kidding. Despite several attempts, my maximum was _cm. (too embarrassing to be disclosed here)

The rest of the day was spent with the tomatoes who couldn't stop spamming me with comments about my peeling nose. Thanks ah, Natho, for your farny comment about my nose resembling a potato. Wait, is it potato? Haha, I think I didn't catch your words properly. Oh, speaking of Natho, she totally amazed me with her "eloquence" when she rebutted MJ today. Scary man. This is the first time I witnessed such girl power. Haha.

Moving on, we went out for lunch at Swensons after school. Daphne was being retarded as usual and it's amusing seeing how her mood changes so quickly all the time. Don't worry, lawyer law. I know when you need peace. *seductive wink*

Alright it has been a long update. It's about time to get back to work.
Training details for tmr: cycling at ECP.
YAY hope it's gonna be fun.

We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.

2010-04-16T23:14:00.003+08:00

It's like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.

The tragedy of it is that nobody sees beyond her irrational behaviour. Her decisions may appear to be unsound and ridiculous, but think again. What is the cause behind her change in attitude? She was never this concerned in the past, was she?

It's truly about what we stand for, and not against.

2010-04-14T19:14:00.002+08:00

Some things are hard to write about.

After something happens to you, you go to write it down and either you over-dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones.

At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

- Sylvia Plath

Same goes to blogging.

The Action and Reaction cycle.

2010-04-12T21:01:00.000+08:00

Don't you know, things will never be the same again.

Iusedtobeoverly-sensitivewhenitcomestofriendshipissues.andIneverknewthisbroughtsomuchpaintothepeoplearound me.

It's time to change for the better. It sucks to know that people are struggling to accomodate you and make you happy.

2010-04-12T18:51:00.005+08:00

I just realised that I haven't updated my blog in ages. shiat.

To begin with, a delayed birthday post which I've promised click! Somehow, or rather. Haha. (:

Click <3; Esplanade on 18 March 2010

Thank-you click for the really well-planned birthday surprise. Although it was a belated birthday surprise, I appreciate all the time, effort and money that went into the planning of it. Perhaps I was too silly to figure out that you guys had one or two tricks up your sleeve that day; perhaps I was being too naive to think that you guys wouldn't celebrate with me (since we went out on the pretext of our monthly click outing); perhaps it was wrong on my part to have doubts right from the start. Nonetheless, thank-you all for the cake, the notebook (which is now my personal diary), and on top of it all, for even bothering to celebrate my big day with me. (: 18 March 2010 marks one of the best days I've had in this year so far, and that's because of one good simple reason: the presence of the three of you. (: April outing soon yeah!

---

Next up.

Outing with Ju-Onnnnnnnn and tomatoes. :D

First horror movie with the tomatoes! Haha the whole experience was just funny. Pling; the calm and composed one, Daph; the one who was obviously petrified but still remembered to showcase some of her retarded actions occasionally, Mag; the one who loved making weird noises and actually buried her head under my armpit during the scary parts (haha no lah, I mean my shoulder). It was seriously nothing short of laughter and fun when I hang out with these retarded people. Haha, Aunty Natalie better turns up during the next outing before she regrets big time for the second time. (:

OK, enough of delayed updates.

School has been draining each and every one of us out. (I'm guessing this.) Every lecture/tutorial is starting to become smth which we all dread. I really empathize with Natalie who has been struggling so hard with her heavy CO commitments and other stuff lately. Jiayou aunty! Don't ever give up. And rmb, you'll never walk alone. (:

2.4km run today. My timing improved from 14.19min to 13.49min. Haha still not satisfactory but at least I tried to push my limits today.

OK everyone, hang in there. A couple of weeks more before... holidays?
Haha :D

So we end up watching chances fade.

2010-04-03T22:46:00.001+08:00

When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.

Life has been amazing.

Kidding only, that was only an exaggeration.

10A03 amuses me everyday, without fail. Thursday's GP lesson was full of nonsense and crap. Halfway through the weird lesson with our new GP teacher, I held mag's arm and said, "mag, don't you feel the adrenaline rush?" Somewhere along that line. And she laughed. Wait. mag, did you laugh? Haha anyway, I told her to do it to josiah who was sitting next to her and the way she did it was super funny. She was really hesitant about it and you should have seen her actions. She looked like a girl waiting to confess to her boyfriend or smth. Haha anyway, she managed to say those mushy words to josiah after ages and the next best thing that happened was his "cold" reply, "for what?" Hahaha it was a really funny scene, if you were there to witness it yourself.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the tomatoes outing tmr! A pity natho won't be able to join us for our very first tomatoes outing. ): On a happy note though, we'll be watching a horror movie together! Though it's going to scare the shit out of us, I suppose it'll be an entirely new and cool experience. :D

The beating of my heart; it’s looking for a rhythm like you.

2010-03-31T22:13:00.007+08:00

"Love means holding onto someone just as hard as you can because if you don’t, one blink and they might disappear forever."

A big thank-you to the 5 of you for all the care and concern when I was pretty emotional lately.

Those dedications truly meant a lot to me. (:

---

Hmm, it has been an eventful week so far.

Mon - A really farny PE lesson took place; we played childhood games like "old eagle-catch-chicken" (direct translation) because of firedrill. Civics was spent in the counselling room. It was a nice visit because we managed to take pictures. yay!

Tues - Lessons were mundane, especially HistorySEA which didn't interest anyone, I presume. Lunch followed by mugging session with Gwenn after school was productive. yay, I'm now able to grasp certain econs concepts better. Thank-you Gwenn! (:

Wed (today) - Freaky and embarrassing history class discussion, followed by insane PT session for odac today. Yes, 8km was postponed. Idk whether to feel happy/sad. Anyway, there are lots of enrichment programmes (kayaking), competitions, and expeditions coming up! yay, I'm pretty excited but a little afraid at the same time. But it's okay, 'cause mag and I will be there for each other, through thick and thin. (: We're going to pair up and take part in this upcoming TJ activity (20km cycling and 10km run, I think), haha hope we'll survive.

As usual, I've things running through my mind. Thoughts which I know shouldn't be shared here, thoughts which I'm too lazy to jot down in my diary and reflect. sigh, econs is making me crazy. I should just end off this random post.

But before that, let's spread some spasticism!

♥

P.S. Hey Jaime, Shannon, and Blossom! (Hopefully you guys read this post in time.) Jiayou for elections, juniors. Although I'm unfamiliar with the election process, best of luck for the campaigning process (if there is any) and rmb to have confidence in yourself. Do the teachers, your seniors, your juniors, your fellow friends, and most importantly, yourself proud by giving your best shot even though the going may get tougher as time passes. Do not let criticisms or any other negative factors undermine your confidence. All 3 of you are chosen for a reason, so never look down on yourself. Go for it! (:

I feel like sharing some recent happenings, in point form.

- Finally, I've received all my MSA1 results - 45 rank points only. I really fared badly this time round, but I guess it's more important for me to move on and snap out of the depressing mode.

- Have been checking my mailbox rather frequently these few days because I was waiting for M's letter as well as my MSA1 results. M, I received your letter already! Sorry for the late reply (as usual), I'll finish the letter by this weekend. (: MSA results are still not in, but that's not my main point. The main point is, I received a belated birthday present from someone! I was srsly so happy, partially because M's letter came along too. Haha, double happiness. Anyway, I really thank the person for the parcel; it cheered me up. (:

2010-03-27T12:40:00.005+08:00

Like what the pastor had said,

that emptiness needs to be filled.

Yes, that emptiness needs to be filled.

But by who, I ask.

By what?

No greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

2010-03-24T23:22:00.005+08:00

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

- Albus Dumbledore, J. K. Rowling

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.

- Lance Armstrong

On a happy note, I'm really starting to love 10A03. I know I've announced it many times on this blog, and this probably won't be the last, but I'm still going to repeat it anyway. Frankly speaking, I cannot say that every moment in school is filled with joy and happiness, but definitely, I'm appreciating the little things which my classmates do that never fail to bring a smile to my face, even if it's just for that instant.

Recently, we received our MSA1 results. I've failed terribly in Econs. 0 rank points; my first U(ngraded). As for CSE and Math, my performance was average only. It has been a rather sad week for some of us, but I'm glad most of us still maintained our smiles.

Hang in there, friends.

I was writing a letter to someone this afternoon. For some unknown reason, there's always a very deep reflection process going on when I write to her. We were on the topic of "friendship". Like what I've mentioned in the letter, I often think about the degree of pain which others have brought upon me, and hardly vice-versa. Also, I often magnify others' weaknesses and find myself playing the angel's role, (probably) to lessen the guilt in me. It's a bad sign; I'm too insensitive and self-centered. I need to seek to understand my friends from now on. There's a desperate need to become a better friend worthy of you, you and the many 'you's that may follow after.

When they say hope is gone.

2010-03-24T22:38:00.002+08:00

I feel you.
I really do.

Imagine. Just imagine the position as Head of Welfare was never mine.The mere thought of it makes me ill.

But I was pondering over this issue and couldn't help wondering. Why do we want it so much? Because it's a prestige, an honour? Because we can do more things for the unit if we are in the Exco? Because we feel that we have the capacity to lead the unit, more than anyone else?

The actual fact is, being in the Exco only means more pressure on your part because you stand out to represent your team. You are held accountable for the unit's mistakes and failures. When things go wrong, people look at you and say, "what's wrong with your people?" It's not just about standing tall and mighty, commanding respect from your people. Furthermore, it's not fair to state that the Exco is more important than anyone else in the team. Although the Exco plans most of the activities, it's the cooperation of the entire team which makes things happen.

I think the best thing about being in the Exco is the ability to pick up all the valuable leadership lessons. That's primarily because these lessons and experiences are the only things that you can bring along and apply in your life. Other things simply fade as time passes.

I've always believed in learning from past mistakes. Our seniors have taught us how to survive on our own. Quoted from Jean but in a different context, they threw us into the deep oceans and watched us drown helplessly. I'm starting to lose faith in that teaching method. Think about it. By leaving our juniors in the lurch and not telling them their mistakes, aren't we making the future generations commit the same mistakes again? More than often, we spend our leadership journey bearing the consequences of our actions. By the time we finally see the light, it's too late to change anything. Then, the whole cycle repeats and we see our juniors experiencing the exact same thing as us.

I don't see how the unit can improve in this way.

It really saddens me when I see our juniors following our ugly footsteps; carrying along with them many regrets instead of beautiful memories. Why can't we just be honest and simply tell them the truth? It's for the benefit of everyone. Really, what's the point of talking among ourselves? It doesn't mean that all the unpleasant things disappear when they step down, ain't it? It's just a temporary relief on our part; the root of the problem still exists. Why are we so self-centered?

I really cannot imagine what's going to happen next. Although I trust that she has her reasons for making such decisions, I cannot guarantee that things will turn out well. I mean, even when the best leaders are chosen, conflicts can arise at the most unexpected moments. Life's this unpredictable, y'know.

Regardless of the nature of the outcome, we must admit that it's a fact we cannot change. Accept it, or suffer with it. It's a matter of choice.

2010-03-20T17:53:00.003+08:00

"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, “Why did this happen to me?”, unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."

Author Unknown

In the lights I heard the loudest noise.

2010-03-20T00:34:00.003+08:00

To begin with, here's a quote shared by Rachel:

The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart.

- Helen Keller

Whenever I read your blog posts, I cannot stop wondering to myself how it feels like to have such a pessimistic outlook in life. Do you live in sadness everyday, just like how your blog posts suggest to me? Why is it that we cannot look at the beautiful things in life when we are sad? Is it because our mind is preoccupied with negative thoughts? Just a couple of moments ago, I realize that negative thoughts tend to weaken us and make us more vulnerable when we face more depressing issues in the future.

I understand that it's very difficult to switch your mindset when you're sad or feeling angsty. I've been through such phases in life before, and I'm sure you guys know it if you've been following my blog posts. Thus, I can actually empathize with those people who experience emotional outbursts once in a while. But what about those who have this permanent pessimistic outlook in life? You know sometimes I really feel like a little kid around them? They can pick on the most insignificant thing that happens in their life and make a real huge fuss over it, while I stay contented with the one happy thing that happened on a particular day. Maybe I'm too easily contented? Maybe they are over-reacting?

Why do some of us have to get so uptight over one little sad thing that happen in our life, and start using profanities everywhere just to express that short moment of anger? ok I think I've asked too many questions today, but cannot help it because the way some people behave really baffles me. Don't you feel the same way as me? Haha you can think through those questions which I've posted above if you think they apply to you.

Moving on, I want to talk about appreciation. I rmb seeing this quote from a junior's facebook page before.

"Appreciation can make a day - even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary."

-Margaret Cousins

I couldn't agree more with the author.

Often, we fail to recognize the impact which we've made on the lives of others, unless they tell us that we did. That feeling of satisfaction which you get after knowing that someone actually appreciates what you've done for her is truly amazing. Subsequently, you'd probably start doing things that will make people feel cared for and valued, both consciously and subconciously. I presume that's one of the ways to sustain a friendship.

Of course, we need to be honest with each other. I doubt anyone is capable of brightening up another person's day on a daily basis. (Well, in terms of a friendship at least.) That's the reason why I feel that words of appreciation shouldn't be offered to another person frequently, just to make her feel happy. I think sooner or later, that shortlived happiness won't work on that person anymore.

Tonight is filled with mixed thoughts and feelings. While I think back at the awesome afternoon spent with VC today, I can't help worrying about other issues. 5 people talked to me online tonight, and most of them told me stuff that made me ponder over many issues. I was talking to S and M about leadership stuff, and conflicts with A and M. Talking to S made me recall those old times when I still bothered about certain things. True enough, days back then were filled with unpleasant memories, but I must admit that I learnt a lot in the process. Effective communication is of paramount importance among all the other essentials of leadership.

I was telling A and S that no one turns evil overnight. No one's born evil. Something or someone must have triggered them to behave the way they are behaving now. The key to avoid such a situation from happening is therefore to ensure that we nip the problem/misunderstanding in the bud, before anything's too late to salvage. It's easier said than done, some would argue. But frankly speaking, it's often just a matter of pride. This is just my two cents' worth, so don't get too emotional when you guys read this.

As for the last person whom I talked to tonight, I was basically ranting to him throughout the conversation. Haha, it felt good talking to someone whom you can relate to. Thanks, I.

And sometimes you can be so distant and obscure.

2010-03-18T23:16:00.001+08:00

Present from - ! (:

Thank you - for the letter and keychain! I really had a good laugh when you discreetly passed me the presents that day y'know. You looked so cute when you started blushing after that! Haha. Wait a minute people, I'm really not in love with -.

Anyway, your letter moved me as usual. Frankly speaking, your letters are one of those few which can truly warm my heart. I love our recent msn conversations too. 'Cause they are often so crappy and full of nonsense and ego-ness. While I continue to stay happy in SA, I hope you can remain cheerful and optimistic about life as well k. It's perfectly fine if you don't feel like sharing with me at times, just promise me not to bottle things up. Try to share your problems with someone whom you're comfortable with, then at least you know you're not alone in whatever predicament you are in.

Hope you can cheer up soon! I don't want to see you sad either. (:

I used to be love drunk;

2010-03-18T00:56:00.017+08:00

Happy 17th, Jia Ai!

ILY ♥

Ok, I should just stop being ego and irritating.

To be honest, this is the best birthday I've ever had in my entire life. Of course, not forgetting to mention that last year was the second best spent with squadmates and Exco. (: The reason why I think this year's so awesome is probably because I received many well-wishes from people (both whom I know and whom I don't really know), and it truly warms my heart to see people acknowledging this special day of mine.

Everything began on Tuesday when part of the class celebrated my birthday with me after the first lesson. Really a big thank-you to them, in particular Mag, Nat and Pling. Thanks Mag for trying to keep me occupied by camwhoring with me while the rest went to prepare the surprise. Must upload the photos quickly k. Thanks Nat and Pling for going all the way outside school just to buy a cake for me. (I really like the cake.) Thanks 10A03 for sacrificing your time to celebrate with me. Although I tend to be shy (yes, I am) whenever I become the center of attraction, I'm still very appreciative of this pleasant birthday surprise. Thank you dears. (:

After school, Mag was lovely enough to celebrate my birthday with me on a one-to-one basis. Lunch at Pizza Hut was pretty nice, 'cause even the staff wished me Happy Birthday. After lunch, we went to catch the most boring show ever (Note: It's titled Crazy Heart), and ended up leaving the cinema less than an hour later. The admin staff cheated our feelings! The synopsis sounded so good, but the movie turned out to be so disappointing. ): Nonetheless, I had a wonderful time with dear mag. Thank-you for accompanying me, really.

See, I was a happy teenager because of you. (:

Presents from Mag!

Photo album and mini whiteboard.

As for today, OG outing. Frankly speaking, I wasn't expecting much from this outing. I thought it'd be just another session to catch up a bit with the rest and simply more individual stoning and clique chatterings. Well, apparently it turned out otherwise and I'm so glad that I didn't waste my time there. Thank-you all for the really farny conversations which we shared this afternoon, and of course Chermaine and Pling for the (very "yummy") cake and lovely card. I really had a good time laughing at the silliest things that we did, laughing at the lamest and most retarded jokes that we made. Thank-you Ben, Chermaine, Gwenn, Lay Hout, Mark, Pling, Sherrie, and Siong Peng for bringing so much laughter and joy to my life on this very special day. In fact, you guys are the ones who made today this special. It may be a small effort on your part, but what you guys did today definitely meant a lot more in my eyes. I really cannot thank you guys enough. (:

Presents from Chermaine and Pling!

2 awesome Pastamania vouchers and 1 pretty card!

Today made me realize how the most insignificant things that people do can really brighten up my days.

Like how Si Min called me just to sing me a Birthday song which made me laugh so hard,
Like how Syafikah made me feel so important and valued through her words,
Like how my lovely OG mates said and did cute stuff which amused me so much,
Like how my awesome secondary school friends still remembered to text me,
Like how one of my primary school friends still remembered my birthday (without the help of fb),
Like how my juniors dedicated sweet posts to me on their blogs,
Like how a short period of time spent with squadmates could drive away all pessimism immediately,
Like how Irwin promised to make the class sing a belated Birthday song for me on Mon,
Like how Mag tried to keep me longer on Tues so that we can talk more,
Like how my mum and sista seem so interested in my love life,

and the list goes on and on.

These people and the things they do keep me going. This is the first time I dread the end of a day. ):

Coming to the last part, I just want to thank the following people who made my day so special today.

Via sms
Grace K, Alena, VC! (YAY I'm looking forward to study date on Fri), Chermaine, Corryne (the cutest msg), Gaya (the full-of-smileys msg), Gwenn (sorry for not replying!), Irwin (the apologetic msg, haha), Jean (Dou Zi!), Jeslyn, Jia Chen, Kemei, Lidiya (the longest and most sincere msg), Mag, Mei Xian, Dotty, Natalie, Nurulain, Ping Ling, Priya, Puay Joo (the cute and funny msg), Rachel (the msg which makes me happy for no apparent reason), Saranya (the msg which touched my heart), Shuek, Sue-Ann (the msg which makes me smile), Syafikah (the sweet msg), Yujie!

Via facebook
Daphne, Umairah, Lay Eng, Dhaky, Sun Meng, Mark, Rachel Toh, Corrine, Jesslyn, Eunice Lim, Fatimah, Sasi, Michelle, Josephine, Vina, Ellyn, Jynnlin, Mabel, Si Min, Wen Min, Jasmine Tan, Amanda Poh, Zhi Xian, Alynna, Chermaine, Carin, Shannon, Hannah, Elisha, Evelyn, Tracy, Jia Xuan, Min Lin, Christine, Lidiya, Celeste, Joy P, WC, Elena, Doreen, Periya, Simone, Sarah A, Ching Yee, Shane, Wing Hay, Wen Shi, Syafikah, Gable, Rachel (shifu!), Avery, Jia Ru, Oliver, Mag, Thaarsheni, Mei Tian, Ben, Faheem, Cheryl Ong, Daphne T, Brenda S, Syahirah, Shu Mian, Samya, Jes, Julian, Arvind, Elyssa, Candice, Lisa, Nurulain, Jocelyn, Josiah, Jieshi, Jiaai (haha!), Jean, Ji Yong, Mai, Natasha, Eunice Chua, Nat, Zheng Min, Jia Ling, Dotty, Rachel Sim, Sherilynn, Evelyn ma'am, and Shuek!

Via msn/email/blog
Dotty, Jesvinder, Sarah T, Shannon, Jaime, Carin (the three awesome people who called me sucker, crystal, and noob respectively. totally love them!), May, Matilduh, Yufeng, Sarah, Carol, Yibei, Gerald, Felise, Sarah (Pessimist), Gerry!

Lidiya, your blog dedication is so sweet I don't know what else to say anymore

It really touched me. (:

At the end of the day, you still broke my heart.

Can't do the one-two step

2010-03-15T23:00:00.007+08:00

I didn't realise that the last time I blogged was more than a week ago, until someone reminded me of it.

So here's a short update about last week in school. Well, it has been a happening week indeed (with all the MSAs flooding in at one go). Most of us were having panic attacks at the very last minute, but it doesn't matter anymore since all the "ordeals" have come to an end. yay. Ok, shall let pictures do the talking.

tenAOthree. ♥

This class is seriously very retarded when it comes to taking class photos. I rmb having a good laugh during this camwhoring session during history free period. Just look at their expressions!

Actually there are a lot more pictures taken, find them on fb!

I think the next best thing to update about would be odac camp. Well, to summarize everything in one word, the camp was tiring. Prior to the camp, mag and I went back to Cedar since camp only started at 5pm. To be honest, it wasn't exactly a happy trip so I shan't elaborate further. Back to the topic on camp, we travelled to Pulau Ubin on the first night and the area where we pitched our tents was really stuffy and full of insects. It was initially pretty difficult to adjust to an outdoor environment like that, but we survived it anyway. (: Day 2 was spent at ecp, and we trekked 7km there from changi ferry terminal. Most of us were drained by the end of the trek, and soaking wet 'cause it rained halfway. It was super fun to trek in the rain though. Haha. At least we didn't stink that much, as compared to the first day when we couldn't bathe at Pulau Ubin and had to powder-bathe. Overall, the camp was really an unique experience and I'm glad to have such an awesome group! Even the J2 facils agreed with me. (:

I suppose the only flaw of the camp is the lack of discipline in the J1 campers. Having conducted events and camps before, I know how hard it is to get people moving fast and efficient, so as to ensure that everything's on schedule. A pity not everyone understands that from the J2s' perspective, and some even grumbled and complained that we were not given respect from our seniors. I felt somewhat sorry for the seniors when I heard those comments, but I suppose time will prove everything. When we ourselves organize the same camp next year, we'd probably know how they feel then. Such situations often occur, don't they? You have to go through the ordeal yourself before you know the difficulties and pain involved.

alright, pictures up next!

And up next, photos from random camwhoring sessionx with the AWESOME FIVE.

As for today, I went back to Cedar 'cause the juniors were having their march leadership camp. Hmm, the evac accreditation results were really disappointing. Beyond belief. I know I'm being rather crude here, but unless it's really bad, I wouldn't have made those remarks here on the world wide web. So many months of hard work devoted to imparting our knowledge to them, and this is the fruit of our labour? Sometimes, I really wonder what's going through some people's minds. Why are we doing things for the sake of doing them?

On a side note, thank you - for the birthday card (in advance)! The letter was really touching, and I can feel that every word comes from the bottom of your heart. Thank you for the keychain as well, although I don't know where to hang it. Haha. I shall do a proper dedication sometime soon k. (:

Live, no matter what.

2010-03-06T00:30:00.005+08:00

I felt something I've never felt before; happy and cared for.

Then I woke up.

I couldn't resist the urge to post this awesome conversation. It's just so sweet it made my night!

- says:
): i miss you all!

Jia Ai says:
no lah, actually you miss me only right :D :D :D

- says:
HAHA! i miss everyone! but i miss you the most!

Jia Ai says:
awwwww, you make me smileeeee y'know.
i miss you the most out of all the __ too! _________. haha probably cos im closest to you. (:

- says:
haha yay!! haha, i'm excited for tmr only cause i wanna see you. HAHAHA!

Jia Ai says:
omg __, you're so lovely! hahaha that doesn't sound like it comes from me right
haha i hardly use lovely on another person, but you're an exception! (:

- says:
AWWWWW hahaha!
i'm smiling like crazy now, hahaha!

----------------------------------

- says:
haha true
hey i go bathe first! haha!

Jia Ai says:
woah so late then bathe ah!
haha okay okay (:

- says:
yahhhh couldnt bear to stop talking to you
AHHA!
kay dont miss me!

Jia Ai says:
*awwwwww!!!
*haha be back soon and i wont miss you!
*(:

- says:
hahaaaaa dont deny!

Jia Ai says:
hahahaha funny la you!

I think it's getting rather obvious who - is. Nevertheless, I shall not disclose her identity. I know some of you must be thinking that we are scandalous right, haha but I'm caring less. -, you are so awesome but I'm not in love with you in the wrong way. Haha. I really hope you'll come to SA next year, even if you perform exceedingly well. After all, the school's reputation (in terms of academic excellence) doesn't really matter; it's still how hard you work for your As at the end of the day that matters most. So do consider coming SA k! Plus I'll be there to take care of you! That's totally a bonus point. Meanwhile, work hard and jiayou for the final year. I'm looking forward to tmr and next sun, and I know you are too! Stay smiley, -. I don't want to see you sad. On a last note, thank-you for making me feel important in this friendship. ILY, friend. (:

Just trying hard to get through the day.

2010-03-02T23:08:00.007+08:00

You were right,

you held me back.

---

Mag,

I'm not sure when you'll read this. But I just want to say that although it has been a tough period for both of us recently, I'm really glad that we've patched things up. I'll never forget the day when you shared with me your story, and when I shared with you mine. It really amazed me how easily we click when it comes to those issues. It was truly beyond my expectations. The truth is, I hardly tell anyone those secrets of mine. I choose my listeners, and I'm glad you became one of the correct ones chosen. Just so you know, I appreciate it whenever you eagerly ask me to repeat what I want to say, just to catch every word that comes out of my mouth. It matters a lot to me, especially when I'm confiding in you. Thank-you for all the "love you"s and words of encouragement. And on top of it all, thank-you for tolerating with all my whinings for the past few days when certain bad things just came crashing down all at one go. I really wish we'll walk through this journey together, and survive all the obstacles in front of us. Let's learn to love odac trngs, tutorials/lectures, homework, basically anything that's related to school yeah? I love you, friend, though I hardly say it. I just feel that these 3 words ought to come out naturally since saying it frequently seems like I don't really mean it y'know. Yup, ILY. ♥

On a side note, I'd also like to thank those people who have given me lots of encouragement and advice along the way. Life in SA has been full of ups and downs for the past few weeks, but it's you people who keep me going. Thank-you Natalie; for your laughter that filled that emptiness in me sometimes. You may not realize this, but occasionally, your laughter really cheers me up because it's just so amusing. Thank-you for making me feel cared for as well, especially when I almost broke down in the library that day. Thank-you Pling; for being my never-ending source of entertainment. You've truly brightened up my days here, and sometimes I cannot help wondering how my life would have changed without you around to make me high in school. Yes, school would have been dreadful. Thank-you Chermaine; you've done so much for me, and I really don't know how to put my feelings down in words. Just know that you are the one who made me believe in our friendship, who made me feel convinced that I'm never alone in anything and everything I do. You're really someone whom I can depend on.

Not forgetting to mention cg and og mates who have brought so much fun and laughter into my life. Ren (the really talkative and nonsensical one), Thaarsheni & Gwenn (thumbs-up for today's very hilarious odac tent-pitching session), Josiah & Arvind (the gay partners in class, but also the pair who never fails to make mag and I LOL like some crazy women in the library), Mark (those totally random yet funny remarks and smses), and many many others who have made life easier for me so far.

It has been a long post, although I know very few people out of the ones listed above actually read my blog. Somehow, it calms me down when I start to think about what others have done for me. I don't feel as sad anymore. Haha this is weird right. But maybe you should try too.

Don't stop, make it pop.

2010-03-01T20:51:00.003+08:00

Read the newspaper just now, and an article caught my eye.

BIZZARE BABY NAMES

Mary Christmas, Justin Case among 'most unfortunate names' revealed in UK survey.

E.g.s, Stan Still, Anna Sasin, Bill Board, Hazel Nutt, Barry Cade, Will Power, Doug Hole, Chris Cross, etc...

"There must be tremendous embarrassment every time they have to introduce themselves to anyone, especially to a crowd" ... Parents need to think carefully through when choosing names for their children.

I couldn't agree more with the writer.

Life, like a candle in the wind.

2010-03-01T18:42:00.005+08:00

{/edited)

I'm starting to feel it.

True enough, feelings fade as time passes. I no longer have the urge to pop by certain blogs. (Perhaps I'm really caring less this time round.) Though it's a huge burden lifted off from me, I still feel quite sad about it. After all, I've sacrificed so much, plus all the feelings attached and stuff. sigh.

Odd week Mondays are going to be horrible for the rest of the year. I still cannot believe that the finialised timetables are out. All of us are soon going to drown in the sea of lectures PLUS tutorials. No more free time to study/catch up with school work in the library. ): Tutorials freak me out srsly, especially History. The lecturer has successfully convinced me today that my fateful decision to take up History again will make me turn suicidal in the near future. Oh man, what are those people who take H3 History doing to their lives.

Nonetheless, it's comforting enough to know that I'm allocated to the right class at the right time. It's going to be two tough years ahead, but I'm sure 10A03 will make things happen. (: Frankly speaking, this is the first time I feel attached to a class. The first time I feel that school no longer revolves around class cliques.

I was really happy just now until something that I saw online dampened my spirits immediately. I really hate last minute notices. Having tent-pitching session for odac tmr, when it's not even the official training hours. I'm so upset now, that my plans for tmr are totally ruined. ):

Ok nevermind, I cannot waste my time worrying and getting upset about such stuff. There's really no time.

Oh btw, I'm totally not looking forward to cross country on wed. I don't want to be stuck in a first aid tent! I want to run! ): And I'm still undecided about og outing. It's on the seventeennnnnnnnnnnnn. ):

To end this post on a happy note, I'm looking forward to Sat! yay can see squadmates, juniors AND DOTTY. (:

yes yes, I haven't seen/talk to you for such a longggggg time DOTTY. ): We shall catch up on Sat!

A willow deeply scarred, someone's broken heart.

2010-02-27T12:04:00.004+08:00

Finding someone who is willing to lend a listening ear is hard. But finding someone who is able to understand and feel you at the same time is harder.

I realize very few people in this world truly understand how I feel deep inside. In fact, less than a handful does.

Some of us are highly critical of people who behave differently from us. We often have uncomplimentary things to say about them, simply because we cannot accept them for who they are. In our eyes, we are always the angels and they often play the devil's role.

But the thing is, everyone is born differently. Different people have different ways of thinking and intepreting things. We shouldn't make derogatory remarks about a person's character based on what we see on the outside. Some people do hide their inner feelings, feelings which they know will hurt the people they love. Don't we?

Perhaps that's the reason why some people appear to be selfish, insensitive, or even self-opinionated.

Always going to be an uphill battle.

2010-02-20T09:04:00.013+08:00

Things are not always what they seem on the outside.

Trust that there is a higher purpose behind everything.

hmm, scripture readings can be pretty mind-provoking at times. I agree with what the teacher shared that day. It's unfair to make sweeping statements or remarks about a person if you don't know him/her very well. 3 short weeks in this school have already made me realize the importance of not judging things/people by their appearances. I believe everyone has their deepest secret they don't wish to share, probably because they don't see a need to. But that doesn't give the rest the leeway to judge, let alone jeer behind their backs.

A few days back, Natalie told me the truth behind her physical appearance. I was speechless. Who would ever thought of such a depressing story behind that cheerful disposition of hers? Imagine yourself being obese because a doctor fed you something wrongly which caused you to grow at an abnormal rate since young. That situation sucks, doesn't it? You know you cannot be blamed for your size, but people around you don't recognize that fact. They carry on judging and make life miserable for you. They make fun of you secretly, smile those insinuating smiles, and simply outcast you. Perhaps you feel like explaining the truth to them. But then again, what for? What's the purpose behind clarifying matters with 'friends' who don't even deserve that title right from the beginning.

That aside, let me update on other aspects of school. Other than some mind-numbingly boring lectures, school has been nice. First ODAC trng yesterday was tiring; my legs honestly went wobbly after everything ended. We had PT, one that is completely different from what I had in red cross. Obviously. Haha. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it so much! It's going to be more fun next wed because we're going trekking. I think so. Hurrrrrray.

And next,

Happy 17th, Nat! ♥

I'm sure you had an awesome surprise last night, right?

I went for the chalet despite being exhausted from trng, y'know!

Haha. Anyway, I've said everything I wanted to say in the letter.

I ♥ you, squid!

If you want to be happy and make life easier for yourself, love whatever you're doing.

It's the climb.

2010-02-14T10:30:00.003+08:00

Trying to maintain that positive outlook in life by looking at things from a different perspective. I do that all the time, and I'm sick of it.

What are those self-help books doing to my life.

Things definitely don't happen in exchange for a perfect nice ending.
Or maybe yes they do; sometimes.
Only.

Been here all along, so why can't you see?

2010-02-14T10:18:00.001+08:00

Whenever I'm feeling low, I find myself being reduced to this particular state where the mood of deepening pessimism reigns supreme in me. I know I can easily psych myself up and extricate from that state thereafter, but I refuse to do so. I enjoy sinking deeper and sometimes revel in this newly found freedom. Call it a form of escapism, away from this small yet significant world full of deceit, uncertainties, and insecurities.

Sometimes, you try to infuse the world with your optimism. But shortly after, helplessness assails you when you realize that it's mere short-lived enthusiasm on your part. Happiness never equate to a permanent state; everyone has their fair share of pleasant and unpleasant times.

I'm starting to doubt certain things and the people around me. What exactly lies at the back of their minds when they approach me? They are getting so unpredictable, they make me feel confused.

For some unfathomable reason, that sense of security is lost.
I'm losing trust.

Sometimes, you've got to lose.

2010-02-14T00:04:00.001+08:00

"It's easy to curb the freedoms of others when you see no immediate impact on your own." -Malcolm Forbes

Ever wonder why we do what we do?

Since young, we are taught how to differentiate right from wrong. Our teachers tell us, "help the old lady who's crossing the road". Our parents say, "clear your own plates in public whenever possible" This has probably been subtly conveyed to us as the expected behaviour of humans. Also, such behaviours are often reinforced by religions, which further enhances our acceptance of them.

So, what exactly is our inner reason for doing good deeds? Is it out of sympathy? Is it to remove that guilt from ourselves? Or is it self-satisfaction, to sum it all up?

Selfishness, human nature?

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.

2010-02-13T00:11:00.008+08:00

Ahhh I'm feeling so happy now!

Today's considered Vday celebration in school since 14 Feb happens to be the eve of New Year and it lies on a Saturday. Hmm, I must say that it was less happening as compared to the ones held in Cedar. I still rmb the PSLs cutting out heart-shaped papers for Cedarians to post sweet msges for their friends, and selling roses as well. Though our activities are really simple, I thought they carry greater meaning since notes of appreciation/letters for your loved ones are so much more important than gifts. Isn't it sweeter when you show your appreciation to your friends through words? (:

Anyway, I received chocolates & letter from Chermaine and Ping Ling today. (: They make my days in SA, honestly. An interesting fact about Ping Ling: she is srsly v v v skinny, and her stomach is solid hard. Haha. And Chermaine shared with us sth interesting today, which shall not be disclosed. *winks at Chermaine*

I ♥ Chermaine and Ping Ling!

I truly hope things stay the same way for the next 2 years.

Oh in case you're not observant enough, I'm officially a Youth Ambassador. I bet majority of you has no clue what YA is all about, so let me explain briefly. Basically, YAs in my school will be hosting the Germans participating in the upcoming YOG. In other words, I'll be planning events and doing proposals all over again. Awesome, I miss that feeling. (: In addition, we'll be going Germany too! Munich, I heard. Haha, I'm not sure whether to be happy/sad, 'cause mag and Ping Ling won't be around with me. ): sigh, fortunately I still have Isabelle and Josiah. That should be something worth being happy about. oh well, I just hope the schedule won't be that hectic. I still want odac. Sadly said, the tryout on Wed clashes with YA meeting. I've not decided which one to attend. :/

Back to celebrations in SA. We had several cny performances lined up for us today as well. Ren was being really funny and random. He received a chocolate+note from a guy friend, which was viewed as a gay act from some of us. Haha, it was rather amusing when the rest of us teased him about it. As for Ping Ling, she basically had a nice sleep in the hall, prior to the cny performances in the cc. Haha my CG totally brings laughter into my life in SA man. Well, some of them at least.

After the concert ended, Jiyong, Eunice and I almost jogged back to Cedar. We were walking so fast and poor Jiyong was totally left behind. Nonetheless it was all worth it since I wanted to see my friends and juniors so much. I saw classmates first! They made me feel loved because the moment I stepped in the school foyer, they ran up to me and gave me a hug! Yes, it was a group hug and I almost couldn't breathe. I miss all of them! Bei and Grace were so sweet; they sang me a cheer that they learnt in TJ. Next, I think I saw Matil! The way she requested for a hug was cute. Haha I'm so excited about our snail mail thing. *wide grin*

Meitian and Rach popped out of nowhere after that. Haha. Talked to them a bit before Nurul found me! Oh man, she seriously made me so worried. How can some people be so insensitive, selfish and self-centred. It's so annoying. Nurul, don't worry, everything will be fine. Don't think too much k. You're equally awesome. (:

Coming to the best part of the day; gathering with lovelies! We went Marina Square to have lunch and catch a movie. It was nice catching up with these people, though we only met that objective at the very last part. We shall meet up sometime soon to talk more, and see less (referring to watching a movie). Anyway, I heard that gaya's in Track. How cool is that. As for the rest: Grace is (very proud to be) in volleyball, Corryne and PJ are in softball, Meitian is in touch rugby, Rach and SA are in odac! I'm so jealous. I mean, damn jealous. The next time we meet up, I bet I'll end up being the only fat and un-tanned pig due to lack of intensive exercise. And then you'll see me cry.

Alright enough of today. I'm looking forward to reunion dinner tomorrow! ok, I admit it's the food that is enticing me. Haha, I'm gonna get fat but who cares.

Ok, I care.

Whispering songs into my window.

2010-02-09T21:13:00.003+08:00

Interesting PMs for the day:

Lidiya. JIA AI SHOUTS "CAR!" WHEN SHE SEES ONE BEFORE CROSSING THE ROAD~! ;D says...
LY: I am Carin says... Cheena people like CRYSTAL give cheena sweets with chinese characters on them (:

Awesome, I had the first History lecture today. Cold War sounded really interesting at one point of time; I'm not being sarcastic okay. I srsly miss my good friends Castro, Khrushev, Truman,... I miss Ms Lizah's lessons and her abstruse history notes too.

Having been through talks and lectures for 4 days, I realize the best part of school life is still hanging out with friends during free periods. It makes me smile whenever I return to OG-7 and catch up with the people there. It's comforting to see us getting closer as time passes. Sometimes, the simplest 'hi's and 'bye's along the corridors can make the greatest difference in the world. Similarly, I find joy in hanging out with 10A03, though not as much as when I'm with OG-7.

yay, I'm really happy to be in SA. The people here are really nice and friendly, very much like me. Every single day will be filled with little but significant stories that make my days happy in this school. I hope this carries on for the next 2 years or so.

Anyway, I felt so happy to be back in Cedar again! Helped out a little during PSGM. Some sec 1s were so interested in knowing more about JC life, which is kind of surprising to me because 4 years back, I didn't even know what subject combinations were. Exco looked busy as usual, Carin was more noob than ever, James finally shaved her beard, and I managed to talk to Lidiya and Xiao Bai Tu! Haha, I became so excited after talking to Noob about my JC experiences. I bet she was so amused by me, just look at her noob expressions. Lidiya and XBT (sorry your name is too long!) walked home with me after that! Haha, had a good laugh on the way to the bus-stop.

I'm so upset because people around me are all taking up sports as their CCAs! Grace - volleyball, VC - floorball,... I'm so jealous. YA is fine, but I still want to keep fit. I'm thinking of ODAC, just thinking if all others fail.

Taking pictures and saving them for a rainy day.

2010-02-08T22:42:00.001+08:00

Oh freak, this layout is sooo hard to edit. I can't seem to match the font colour with the background. I shall give up. ):

Lectures today drove me mad. It wasn't the drone of the teacher's voice that made us feel sleepy. Instead, it was the freaking weather. It was so stuffy in the LT and CC that everyone couldn't stop fidgeting. yucks, and I find it so hard to concentrate during lectures. ):

Ok, I shall update more sometime soon. Meanwhile, here's a funny convo with VC!

nur amirah ha ha ha says:
**taps your shoulder*
**runs behind a tree and hides*
*:DDD

Jia Ai says:
*HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA VC YOU'RE SO CUTEEEEEEE!
*OMGGG HAHAHAHAH

nur amirah ha ha ha says:
*Well, yea...
*i kinda alrd know that....

HAHAHA I srsly think my VC is damn cute. She makes me go LOL on msn, which is very very very rare. :D

If what you are is a daydream,

2010-02-04T22:06:00.012+08:00

Yes. Once a Saint, always a Saint. ♥

Thank you Chermaine, Ping Ling, Sherilynn, Gwenn, Shumian, Isabelle, Thaarsheni, and Rachel (basically all the girls) for making Orientation so fun and enjoyable for the past few days. Special thanks to Chermaine, since I've spent most of the time with you. Your random hugs and actions srsly remind me so much of my friends in Cedar.

Finale on Wed was awesomeeee. I felt the SA spirit stronger than ever as we sang the college song, college hymn, and Songs of The Saints tgt! I really love the lyrics man.

And being at home should remind you that still

There's a place that's prepared just for you.

And I think my home is just heaven's reflection,

A long as my home's here with you.

Nonetheless, I still miss Cedar alot alot.

It's where I can be myself,

it's where I truly belong.

Yes, like what mag said, there's not a need to fit in.

If they are your true friends, they won't treat you differently because of that.

---

Btw, we had talks after talks today since orientation is over and the teachers need time to sort out our classes. They were pretty interesting and generally covered the various leadership bodies in SA. I don't know if I should join Council. I don't want it initially, because experience tells me that I lack good time management and discipline. But just couple of moments ago, I realise that many of my friends in my OG are actually considering it. oh man, I'm in a dilemma. That passion to lead is burning in me!!! ):

Anyway, we bought our uniforms tdy as well, and I'm srsly shocked that the attire rules in SA are so much stricter than Cedar's! The teacher actually went ard to check students' skirts using a ruler upon their purchasement. :/

On a side note, my OG is srsly awesome. I merely put a ♥ as my status on facebook, and they ended up contributing to a 100+ comment status. HAHA, msn is no longer the 'in' thing already man. It's amazing how we can just talk crap; from kpop to english songs to joining council to...

yay, it all started with ♥!

oh man, more talks tmr. Then sch officially starts next week.

As we walk through the doors,

2010-02-02T20:53:00.002+08:00

Will you ever change yourself just to fit in?
Think carefully.

I think perhaps I've been a little too hasty in judging things/people.

I used to think red cross is the dumbest CCA ever, and that I'd never get in.
I used to look at ex-cedarians who are clad in white and blue, and think to myself, "omg, she's in that school?"
I used to think that I'd never get double digits for O'levels.
I used to hate going to work. (like really ttm)

Oh well, it's really hard to predict certain things I guess. Things often turn out in the most unexpected manner for me. But I suppose things won't turn out that bad so long as you have a positive mindset.

---

SA orientation day 3 and 4! All I can say is, I'm drained out; five days seem to be a little too long. I feel tired.

Feeling like there's nothing to figure out.

2010-01-31T13:22:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was probably the fun-nest day at work.

I'm not being saracastic okay. It was honestly fun, and I was so happy with my group members - Si On and Yujian! They are really nice and friendly groupmates. Due to lack of manpower, we only had 3 people in our team. Hence, it was a mad rush throughout the entire wedding dinner. The good thing however, was that the guests were very understanding. One lady went, "Could you please get me some red wine? Please get it only when you're free," and gave me a broad smile. (:

And for goodness sake, I did portioning for the first time! It was a scary experience, considering the fact that I haven't gotten the chance to practice it anytime prior to the dinner. Fortunately, my group leader was kind enough to guide me through and didn't blast me off like how someone else did last time.

That aside, I suppose Alena enjoyed her first day at work too. YAY! It must have been interesting being grouped with Andy, this really =.= guy. Haha.

---

Sometimes, you just have to meet the right people on the right occasions.

My heart is blind, but I don't care

2010-01-30T11:57:00.008+08:00

GO STRIZEO; OG-7!

SA orientation day two was all abt getting wet and having fun! YAY. Their wet games are srsly very wet. Sherilynn couldn't stop emphasizing on the resources (the canals and swimming pool) of SA which allow such great wastage of water. ops, did I say sth wrong. Haha anyway, mass dance honestly makes me high. Let's shake to the tune of "Shake It"!

It's never easy trying to fit in. But you end up trying to do it anyway, because it simply sucks to be an outcast.

Someone once told me this, "you're not shy lah. you're just hesitant. still indecisive whether to open up. but i'm sure a person of high calibre like you will overcome it easily." His words made me think alot. I used to think being in PSB has made this major transformation in me; from an introvert to an extrovert. But today, I think back and realize, perhaps things didn't happen that way. I'm probably less afraid to do public speaking, I'm probably less shy when addressing crowds, I'm probably more enthusiastic during group activities, as compared to last time when I first entered Cedar. But when it comes to meeting new people, I'm still hesitant and it's hard for me to step out of my comfort zone.

And I'm actually convinced, after these two days of orientation.

Make friends, easy. Build lasting friendships, (hmm) thinking twice.
Perhaps we'll all end up as acquaintances after orientation ends.

Anyway, I just hope everyone can enjoy themselves in the last 3 days. Hopefully, no one gets outcasted. Go OG7!

Just stay right here, dear.

2010-01-28T21:44:00.002+08:00

SA Orientation was pretty coooool, not as scary as I had expected it to be.

Mag was late this morn, and the entire waiting process srsly made me more nervous for the day than ever. Nonetheless, she's still my awesome buddy in SA. Arts stream! Hope we get into the same class, that'd be really awesome. (: It's really disappointing to see so few Cedarians being posted to SA though.

Anyway, we had icebreakers and mass dance tdy! Icebreakers didn't really manage to break the ice intitally because all of us were kinda, ... okay I don't know how to describe everyone's mood then. It was just, uncomfortable for me. Fortunately, I managed to make friends in the activities that followed after lunch. Had to do a forfeit (which is the mass dance) somewhere in btwn, and I assure you that I threw Cedar face during that few mins or so. :/ But it's okay, at least my agony was exchanged with laughter. (:

Some of the games were interesting, the emcees were hilarious, and the OGLs were really enthusiastic. How I wish I can "transfer" these to PSB. Haha.

Alright, 4 days more to go.

A minute with you is worth more than anything else.

2010-01-25T22:20:00.003+08:00

Experience tells me that we usually treasure our juniors more than our seniors.
Don't you think so?

Maybe it's because juniors don't know you that well (since they spend less time with you), that's why they hardly judge you unless you do sth bad on the outside. I don't know if this applies to everyone, but I realize that I can be really happy with my juniors ard. Like, really happy. There's no limit to the topics a senior and junior can talk abt y'know, it's like you can just talk abt anything and everything.

I really don't understand why. Why do juniors behave in such a way that makes me want to treasure them more before it's all too late?

Go through that phase and tell me why.

And everytime I want to hold you near, you take a step back.

2010-01-24T22:10:00.013+08:00

Perhaps no one knows how I really feel inside.
Perhaps no one really understands.
Perhaps I've been expecting too much.

Do you want to know who I really am?
Let me tell you.

- I value family the most, and that's partly the reason why I tend to reject gatherings.
- I feel more comfortable shopping with my family.
- I like walking behind the group because I see the need to protect them even though the chances of them being abducted halfway are more than just slim.
- I'm a lousy friend who don't make the effort to rmb birthdays. (but I'm going to)
- I get hurt easily by criticisms and awful remarks, even though I don't show it.
- I expect a lot from the people around me.
- I procrastinate alot.
- I feel mean irritating others with my problems, although they're usually kind enough to seem interested.
- I'm a cruel daughter who refuses to patch things up.
- I used to get jealous real easily.
- I think alot when I'm on long bus rides.
- I keep quiet at times because I'm thinking, not stoning. I hardly stone.
- Encouragements and compliments keep me going, srsly.
- Juniors make me smile, alot.
- I'll go the extra mile just to ensure juniors don't follow my bad footsteps.
- I love listening to others, even though I seldom take the initiative to talk to them.
- I want to learn to pay attention to minor details.
- I love my grandparents alot.
- I love doing cips at old folks' home, and I love children.
- I don't like to be friends with teachers, except those who are really approachable.
- I appreciate phonecalls, smses, and hugs a lot, though I don't show it.
- I hate that helpless feeling which I get when my friends cry.
- I keep quiet during conversations with ppl whom I cannot connect with.
- Sometimes, I want a bestfriend so badly. Someone whom I can share all my secrets with, someone whom I know won't ever leave me, someone whom I can selfishly keep to myself, someone who belongs only to me. But I know it's impossible. Even the best of friends betray.

And the list goes on.

Somehow, I feel that it's difficult for people to see beyond that thin layer of superficiality. People can only observe me from the outside, and I don't blame them for that. Well, I don't exactly share my inner thoughts with people in the first place, and that presumably gives others a lot of space to think otherwise abt me. I myself don't make the effort to pay attention to how people ard me feel actually. So maybe that's an area for improvement.

On the bus ride home just now, I started to think abt stuff. Her words that day were ringing in my ears, and I rmb feeling so helpless and numb when I saw how frustrated she was. My heart sank as she confided in us. It was definitely heartbreaking to hear such bad news. Something which I never expected at all.

And the thing is, idk how else to help. What can I do? There are just so many limitations to what I can do. Interfering may just worsen matters, and that's the reason why I'm hesitating. But I cannot just stand by and do nothing. sigh, things are getting so complicated.

Soon, I'll have to wash my hands off everything.
But before that, shouldn't I make the last effort?

Disagreements, complications.

2010-01-24T21:18:00.001+08:00

Disagreements in the house lately.

To get fed-up over those disagreements is prolly a sign of premature senility, because I know I’ll never find a solution to end them all. Any attempt to stop those little squabbles btwn the two generations is doomed to failure. ):

Being a bystander in the disagreements lately, I know she is at fault this time round. We can no longer shift the blame to someone else, like what we always used to do. She was imposing her beliefs on others and could not bring herself to think from his perspective. That night, I had the strong urge to rebut her defensive statements but I hesitated. I knew that a fractional misuse of words would make her lose trust in me. I knew it too well, and I cannot afford to bring myself into that situation.

It was an utter mistake on my part to sweepingly condemn him right from the beginning. Prolly one that I’ll regret a few years down the road, but I still chose to walk through it. Will conscience compel me to help the man who lies bleeding in the gutter? Or will selfishness lead me to pass by on the other side? Well, I genuinely hope that my conscience will act up when the time is ripe.

They say, “a loving family strengthens our morale and instils inot us the moral fibre we need when confronted with temptation“. No wonder I feel so sick in the stomach and weak now.

The consequences are far-reaching. But I’m doing nothing in particular to stop the tragedy. I hate this part of me.

The last thing I want is to watch everything turn to ‘dust and ashes’ overnight.

Dedicated to Mei Xian and Shuek Chian!

2010-01-18T12:48:00.004+08:00

MX and shuek!

Hello members from Bored Club!

I want to thank y'all together because y'all are always together. Firstly, thanks for being another two people in the clique whom I can really relate to and share my thoughts with. Although both of you are kind of quiet in the clique, I know you guys do have your spastic and crazy moments as well. (:

I'm the type of person who thinks twice before telling people about my problems. And the thing is, I always feel at ease sharing with y'all how I feel about things. Somehow I feel that we think the same way, and true enough, we often do. There are no walls between us, and I suppose that's the thing that kept us close even though we do not hang out together that often.

Thank you squadmates! You guys are wonderful listeners as well.

P.S. I just realised shuek looks like shrek. HAHA okay nevermind.

Dedicated to Sue-Ann!

2010-01-18T12:21:00.004+08:00

SHIFU!

Apart from your kuku-ness and the times when you made me (really) laugh out loud, I want to thank you for being such a great listener. After the long talk we had previously abt that issue, I came to realize your importance in this clique. Come to think of it, it's really a great pity that you left for NJ since two years back. I wonder how things would have changed if you were around all these while. Perhaps things wouldn't be so complicated, like now.

Before you talked to me, I felt that I was simply going with the flow and didn't really talk to others abt how I feel towards certain issues because I found it difficult to express my views. I eventually chose to keep quiet. I never expected anyone to feel me and understand what I went through during the past few mths (like the way you did), especially you. The one who's not exactly involved in the first place. That's why when you showed me that you actually do understand, I was taken aback yet really comforted at the same time.

I guess that's the mature side of you. And I'm glad I've seen it, though it's a bit too late to change things now.

You're really capable of making people think deep.
Once again, thanks for that ear of yours. (:

Dedicated to Amirah!

2010-01-18T11:57:00.003+08:00

VC!

you know what, I really don't wish to post this old picture of me (with so little hair).

But since it's for your sake, I shall bear with the agony.

VC, my dearest VC!

I've never gotten the chance to thank you properly before, so I shall gladly accede to your request on my tagboard. You're truly awesome y'know. That sentence was not meant to boost your ego; I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. Firstly, thank you for being such a great VC. Working with me must have been tough, so thank-you for tolerating with me and helping me out so many times during Exco meetings, etc. I'll never forget the times:

- when we travelled so far just to meet one person (HAHA),

- when we did stuff tgt for our beloved Board (e.g. making orders for the PSL t-shirts),

- when we attended PSL activities tgt (e.g. TJC SLC)

- when we hang out tgt and talk all day long abt guys (you are the best listener when it comes to this),

- when you made me laugh like mad because of your silly jokes,

- when you cheered me up with your spastic actions,

- when we had our heart-to-heart talks,

- when you trusted me with your personal problems,

- when you thanked me for listening though I didn't do much,

- when I used the online dictionary to understand your abstruse blog entries,

- when you made my day with your bright awesome smile.

Thanks for all the beautiful memories which we've shared, and sorry for the times when I've doubted you or made you unhappy. You're indeed a great friend hard to come by, and I really thank God for letting me know you. Just so you know, you've the power to leave a positive impact on the people around you. So do continue to light up the lives of the people around you. Don't ever doubt your capabilities yeah?

I really really wish we can enter TJ together. Even if we cannot, I'm sure you'll make the best out of your days spent in _JC and perform really well. We shall work hard together as ex-C and ex-VC!

To sum up the 4 long years of friendship which we've shared,

ILY, AMIRAH! (:

Words really cannot express how much I treasure you as a friend now.

We shall hang out soon k!

P.S. you owe me one dedication!

Dedicated to Nurul!

2010-01-18T11:19:00.004+08:00

anon1!

Look anon1, you're fortunate to have the picture which the 3 of us took tgt. (:

Don't be sad anon2, 'cos I rather publish your awesome work. (:

I was hesitating whether to dedicate a post to you because I've already expressed my thanks to you (so many times) on your blog. After much contemplation, I've decided to do it anyway since I've to be fair to both of you. (:

Before I begin, look at the photo. You really don't look 161! Haha.

Like I've said for the umpteenth time, your posts never fail to make me smile. Thanks for mentioning me in almost all your posts, because it really means a lot to me. It has been a pleasure getting to know you, and talking to you online has always been something that I look forward to whenever I go online. Hope you have been coping well with your studies/CCA/PSL commitments, as well as those juniors whom you suspect are stalking you secretly. (Haha.)

Continue to stay happy and optimistic, not only on the outside! (:

Dedicated to Lidiya!

2010-01-18T10:57:00.001+08:00

After reading anon2's most recent blog entry, I just want to declare here on my blog:

Whee I HEART LIDIYA TOO! (:

Thanks for being such a great junior, always making me look forward to going online and reading your blog. In a friendship, you have to give and take at the same time. Don't make me stand at the receiving end all the time yeah. Whenever you need a listening ear or just someone whom you can rant to, feel free to talk to me. I may not be able to relieve your pain/stress immediately, but rmb that suffering alone only makes your negative thoughts run wild. (:

Meanwhile, juggle your commitments with confidence.
Don't push yourself too hard and end up giving yourself too much stress.

To end off this short dedication, I shall publish your work:

Those lines are really meaningful, great job junior! (:

Consciousness matters.

2010-01-13T09:45:00.006+08:00

The video below is extracted from this person's blog. You can visit it if you want.

The effect vibrational frequency has on us:

I think it's quite difficult to comprehend the video without explanations. So do read on.
I went to google "vibration frequency", and this is what I've found from this website.

"We are all emitting vibrations throughout the universe, whether it is through our thoughts or our feelings. And it is important to match both of these things so they harmonize, making it easier for the universe to accept this and give you access to what you want.

Because we cannot monitor our thoughts at all time, it is easier that we feel and let our emotions guide us to our desires.

An analogy used was to pretend that there is a radio station. If you put your radio station at 88.5 FM it will not receive signals at 102 FM because the radio frequency is different. The first station is picking up the wrong signals. It is the same with your feelings. To have similar frequencies, it is important to develop or be in a state of positive emotions, as negative emotions will further the frequencies, and just like a radio, you will not be able to hear beautiful music that you want to hear.

For example, if you are thinking of something that you want but you are frustrated, impatient, and doubt, than the frequencies you are setting out not in harmony. This will cause discord and make it harder for you to get what you want. However, if you are thinking of what you want, and you bring in joy, passion, and excitement, than your frequencies begin to match are set out in harmony, which will attract what you want faster. It's all about matching your vibrational frequencies.

Although other people may try to help you change your frequency and bring it to a better, more harmonized state through their positivity, but ultimately they do not understand your thoughts and do not have control over your consciousness. That choice is completely up to you. When it comes down to who's in control, you are the only person that has access to the "radio switch knob." You are the one that sets the frequency. Even if others may often be eager to help you out with the best intentions, without your permission, they cannot turn the knob or change the frequency for you. This is what vibrational frequency means."

Whether or not you believe the video, it's up to you. I just thought the meaning behind it is cool. (:

2010-01-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

The reasons why I'm not replying (in depth) to your post:

1. It was not my intended purpose to fight with you via my blog.
2. I promised myself to let go. And that means you're now nothing in my eyes.
3. I know friends who can judge me better, in an objective manner.

In the past, I cried like shit because of one sentence that you said to me.
But today, I'm just gonna say, "awesome, you're doing great with only one vulgarity used in your post."

You should have seen how calm I was after someone told me abt your post man. And why are you so mad anyway? Shouldn't I be some kind of shit in your eyes, who/which is not even worth mentioning?

Btw, please be more creative when you blog.
Tango yankee!

11 Jan 2009; A wake-up call

2010-01-12T11:30:00.010+08:00

Hmm, I don't think I'll share my results here. It's just very disappointing, but don't worry because I've gotten over it. Hopefully I can still get into TJ arts stream. Disappointment aside, I want to specially thank those who were there to encourage me yesterday. (Jean, Xin Ping, Periya, Jeslyn, squadmates, Nurul) It was really comforting even though I'm the type of person who will cry harder when people offer words of consolation.

Despite the rude awakening yesterday, I was happy to see old friends asking me about my results and offering useful advice. Thanks Hannah and Winghay. You guys have reassured me a lot by sharing with me your very own experiences in AJ. A big thank-you to the sec 3 PSLs for your concern as well. Rmb to study hard and don't leave regrets like me. Good luck for PSGM today. And last but not least, thank you Mrs Koh. Your smses were so sweet they made me smile.

On my way home yesterday, I reflected on my four-year academic performance in Cedar. I concluded that there's no reason for me to get upset or disappointed because I certainly deserve to receive those kind of results. This is the price I have to pay for having poor time management and procrastinating. Even though I prayed for good results and didn't get it in the end, I won't blame anyone for it. Because if I were to get it, it'd be totally unfair to those who truly worked hard to get their desired L1R5.

Oh well, it's still a good lesson learnt after all.

To Nat, Rach and all others who are probably still very upset over your results, cheer up okay? It's not the end of your world, and I'm sure you guys can achieve similar great things in another school. Save your tears for cool occasions like your wedding in future. Smile!

P.S. Thank you Lala and Pessimist for the cookies and card. They cheered me up, really.
P.P.S. Thank you Y, Fong Wa, and VC for smsing me too, especially VC.

To all the people I've mentioned above, (:

2010-01-11T22:55:00.003+08:00

HAHAHA.

Let's not talk about results first. I heard sth much more interesting than that today.

Who is the cold-hearted one who went around accusing people for assuming without getting the facts right first? Who is the one who started this long chain of childish and immature acts? Who is the one who had no qualms about distorting the truth?

You.

I never wanted to care about this anymore because I respected you and thought it was my fault that this tragedy struck. I pushed the blame to myself, thinking that since I was the mastermind, I've no right to interfere anymore. But it seems like I was wrong and stupid to think that way. It was a complete and utter mistake to feel remorseful towards you.

When I knew you lied, my hopes were dashed. That pathetic little amount of faith which I've once placed in you was gone in that precise moment in time. I've never seen a person more cruel and inhumane than you. The way you disregard the feelings of others is honestly one of a kind. Haven't you realize, you're forever blaming people for whatever bad circumstances you are in? What about some self-reflection? We gave you chances, we tried to put ourselves in your shoes, but it was ultimately still your decision to push us aside and assume all the time. Why is it that you always have to treat our words with skepticism?

Just recall the times we tried to stand on your side. How did you deal with the situation? Brush us aside and probably laugh behind our backs for being so naive? Thank you so much. I really wonder how those gears in your brain work. Are you that clouded by revenge? C'mon, spare a thought for the people whom you've hurt. I know you're heavily wounded in the process as well. So why not just bury the hatchet? Why do you want to make everybody's life difficult and miserable?

Because of your caustic comments and ridiculous behaviour, so many people are hurt in the process and you don't seem give a hoot about it. Are you that ignorant and immature? Are you still labouring under the delusion that you're going to win this little war which you're fighting against yourself? Please grow up, woman.

Don't you feel honoured? My most trenchant crtiticisms are reserved for you, and you only. No other soul in my life has done something as callous as you, that makes me want to splash a bucketful of iced water at her to wake her up. Yes, that's my limit. I'll neither go around swearing like a trooper using a series of profanities, nor go around slandering people on my blog. I'm not going to throw tantrums like you.

Do some soul-searching, will you? You're responsible beyond a shadow of a doubt. Everyone of us is responsible for the situation today as well, so don't try to deny anything.

Well, you are now probably trying to come up with justifications for your actions. But oh please, don't waste your time and effort. Because no matter how you try to defend yourself and your actions, it's all going to come to naught. You appear to have a strong back-up team. But trust me, our team here is much stronger not because we have more people, but because we have a clear conscience. At least we are still in the right frame of mind to think clearly and make correct judgements. On your part, ever considered the drastic consequences of your actions? This is the most pathetic part of you y'know; you are not mature enough to look at things from a bigger perspective. You only think about the (temporary) little advantages and feelings of satisfaction you get after making some awful decisions.

Let me make this clear and straight. If you intend to slander your friend this time round again, think twice. I can assure you that you're going to regret your actions. I won't say things like "you'll pay a high price for it" because we won't do anything extreme like what you always do. Drill this into your head: I know the truth, and you do not. You're merely assuming, remember? Of course, I won't go around trying to find evidence to get back at you, I'm too busy for that. Just jolly well know that if your next course of action is gonna hurt the people around us, we're not going to take a back seat anymore. & rest assured, we won't take unsympathetic actions like how you did.

If you think I've assumed anything in this post, I apologize. But feelings towards you remain unchanged.

P.S. Milissa ma'am is pissed. So am I. (in a calm and composed manner)

Picture you're the queen of everything.

2010-01-10T14:21:00.001+08:00

It shall be another happy post ahead.

Let's start from Exco outing on... 5th Jan (Tues)! Visited Alena's moving cupboard and went cycling at ecp. Actually, I should just direct you to VC's blog since she has posted a rather detailed blog entry regarding the outing. Haha. I agree w you, VC! Loved the "See you later, Alligator!" part! I find it so amusing - the way we attempted to catch up with each other whenever we had the energy to.

I think VC started to hallucinate towards the end. Read this, "Vina looked like a very yummy macdonald beef patty, which i admit was my primary motivation to keep those legs of mine moving." HAHAHA. omg, I srsly couldn't stop laughing at that. And poor Fong Wa, I feel so sad for her. My butt already felt like it was splitting after cycling. I cannot imagine how awful she might have felt. That's how nice this Exco is. Haha.

yay, the outing was awesome even though we didn't manage to take any pictures. Another one soon kay! Top priority is to burn off fats and get tanned. (:

---

Next up, working at Ritz. My arms are currently aching like mad, but that's not the main point. I just thought I should reflect a bit since it's my first time working with new ppl of all ages. Hmm, I must first admit that it wasn't an easy start. Even though my cousins were ard to guide me along, it took me great pains to adapt to the environment there. It was never an easy feat memorizing the 8-course menu within a few mins time (with long dish names such as 'smoked duck with marche salad, fig carpaccio, crystal balsamic jelly'), differentiating the types of wine and cocktail drinks, getting things done without getting lost in the maze-like place, serving the customers without any spillage despite carrying up to 5 chinese soup bowls on your tray, trying to fit in, etc.

It was sheer hard work (just imagine the stress I went through). On a positive note though, things improved as I carried on working. You soon get used to the environment and ppl there. It became a joy working w new friends that I've made, and noticing those smiles of happiness hung on the faces of every wedding couple.

Even though I've truly learnt a lot in the process, there are still certain values that I stand firmly by. Right from the start, I hate feeling compelled to do things. The more you force me into accepting your way of doing things, the more I retaliate. You cannot expect me to change at the push of a button. I may not show my displeasure at start, but don't shift the blame to me when venting frustration silently fails and I start doing things my way, with no consideration of your feelings. I'm not the kind of person who feels nothing when relationships turn sour. I can be accomodating, so long as you put a strict limit on those provocative remarks and do not push things too far.

On my part, I guess I need some time to think through what you said. In the meantime, I hope you won't bring up this issue again.

okay, total failure to keep this a happy post. I hope I don't sound too angsty, because at this precise moment in time, I'm honestly not.

---

I almost forgot to blog abt TJ open house. Went with Jean yesterday before work and here are some general comments: Firstly, I find the HC very... enthusiastic. Haha. They're much more hyper than PSLs. Secondly, I visited the First Aid Unit CCA booth! I still prefer CRCY though. (: Thirdly, I suppose I still like the environment there, but not sure if that's the place I'd choose to be in for the next 2 years. oh well, let's just wait till tmr. I hope I won't face disappointment, though I'm already mentally prepared for a similar situation. :/

Adding on, we were given one copy of the TIME magazine each. I was browsing through it on the way home and saw this article with a headline that caught my eye immediately, 'Why Swearing Is Good For You'. The sub-headline reads "It not only vents frustration, but a new study shows it actually alleviates physical pain." My first reaction was to stare long and hard at the article in disbelief. Perhaps those who are not used to spewing vulgarities like it's some other common language will feel the same way as me. Anyway, I shall just highlight the main points in the article.

The writer (Tiffany Sharples) started her article with, "There is a certain four-letter word that is forbidden in a polite company but often uttered by women in labor." Then she went on explaining that study have shown "when participants (taking part in the study) used a curse word, their heart rates were consistently higher - a physiological response consistent with fight or flight - than when they were repeating a neutral word." "In swearing, people have an emotional response that actually triggers the reduction of pain." okay, since it has been proven, I accept the previous statement.

But in the last paragraph, she discourages those who swear on a regular basis from overusing profanity because "it blunts (swearwords) of their power when they do need them", and she feels that they "should save them for just the right occasions".

I couldn't agree more with her.

'cause everything's fading.

2010-01-08T01:00:00.001+08:00

Some people are just plain annoying. Why do they enjoy poking their noses into the affairs of people whom they don't know at all.

I mean, people do things unintentionally at times right. Why is it that _ seem to derive great satisfaction from catching people "red-handed"? What gives them the right to accuse people like this. I bet many people have been maligned in such gossip channels. ):

If it's for the benefit of the public, fine.
If otherwise,

Grr.

You raise me up, to more than what I can be.

2010-01-07T02:28:00.001+08:00

一脸的煞气，一对排斥的拳头；
近来,　这种情形似乎看多了．　

起初，　看到周围的人为了争一口气而丧失理性并做出背叛良知的事情,　我不禁感到即愤怒又纳闷．　因为从不哓得世上竟会有如此痛恨幸福的人．　对，　幸福．　明明幸福就摆在眼前,　却又硬要把它当作是虚假的．　为什么就不能珍惜眼前的一切呢？是人，　都会犯错．　只不过我们往往被自己的私欲给蒙闭了能透视人他真心的双眼,　所以只懂得坚持自己的清白，　而逐渐践踏别人曾为我们付出过的真心．

就算是再烂的朋友，　也需要尊重．除非你认为你对他的人格有很深入的了解，　否则你根本没有权利评论他．许多事都很难以单方面的角度想，　因为这会产生很多的误会．　我们不应该毫无根据地去诬蔑他人，　因为就像自己一样，　别人也可能会有说不出的苦衷．　

其实，　大家都有丑陋的一面．
若大家都可以接纳彼此，　原谅对方的过错，　那该有多好 .
难道抛下自尊心真的有那么困难？

真搞不懂有些人是怎么狠下心来，　用言语如此地重伤别人的．．．

Dresses, and pretty ladies.

2010-01-05T02:03:00.003+08:00

EX-CO at Prom. ♥

More pics on facebook.

Grad night was all about screaming, laughter, food, and pictures.
And Alisha was crowned Ms Cedar! (:
Loved the Mambo Queen part man.

The simple dollar.

2010-01-04T13:29:00.000+08:00

I was listening to the songs played in the farewell CD while posting the previous blog entry. Replayed it several times since I took like ages to complete that entry.

Just wanna say a big thank you to the sec 2s for putting in the effort to compile everything into that video. It's awesome! Haha, I think the way grace says "awesome" makes the word more awesome than ever. Ok, sidetrackked. Anyway, as I was saying, the songs are really nice. And after watching the last part, I want to say,

Being a leader in Red Cross was sheer hard work, but it was definitely fulfilling. I just read sue-ann's comment at samantha rollie's, and I started to think a bit from there.

"...And they all look so awesomeeeee! :D Hope we will still be as tight as we are now 2 years later. And by then, we will all be pretty, slim (not fat can already), c...razy, and pimple-less!!..."

Well, I've absolute faith that this squad will last. (As for the "slim" part, hmm. Don't want to think abt my ugly-ness during prom.)

I used to think otherwise. But somehow, these few days spent with them has changed my perceptions of certain issues. I learn to talk less, and listen more. (this applies to other friendships, not only to squadmates). I realize it's rather ridiculous and lame to talk abt yourself all the time in a friendship. You think you don't, but maybe you do. Anyway yeah, I think I've the tendency to run roughshod by talking all the time, since my life is (oh) so interesting. Haha, kidding only. I suppose certain things can only be shared with a specific group of friends/people, that's why now I filter before I say anything. It's just like how I can talk rubbish to my sister but not others, 'cos we're so open-minded abt almost every issue in front of each other. Haha, there was once when she told me, "I no need you to listen, just pretend you're listening can alr..." Haha, and she just carried on rambling beside me. Haha, I thought that was quite amusing. The way she put it, that is.

To listen without interjecting my own thoughts is something else which I've learnt. More than often, I'm eager to share how I feel without actually thinking from the other person's point of view. Come to think of it, it's actually quite selfish to do so because we are two individuals with very different views and beliefs. To effectively converse with someone, you've to listen and follow up based on what they say. Perhaps that's the key to it.

Regarding the "left-out" part, I now think it's not an epic (awesomely cool word, but did I use correctly) problem so long as we're willing to change our mindset and start taking action instead of allowing the friendship to go dormant by doing nothing at all. It's gonna be a little difficult for me, but I shall try. Friendship is about making little sacrifices from both parties, I suppose. Bearing in mind how much these people means to me alone keeps me going. Sometimes when I look at some of us, I can't help feeling small and petty. This is because they behave so selflessly in this friendship, something which I certainly lack of.

Recently, I talked to dotty and had a talk with her regarding building blocks of lasting friendships. I had a question left unanswered in my mind for quite a long time. Decided to share with her, and she managed to shed some light on that particular issue. I'm not gonna say here because I think it's a rather sensitive issue. Just want to say, don't expect help in a friendship. You can ask for it, but don't expect it. Ok, I think it sounds weird to you now, but do try to make some sense out of it. I cannot elaborate further. :/

Alright, I'm looking forward to a second session like thiswith dotty. Haha, it's time to bathe. Toodles.

Man in the mirror.

2010-01-04T11:15:00.004+08:00

I know this is already day 3 of 2010.
But still, I'd like to briefly summarize my 4 years spent in Cedar in this post using pictures. As you can see, sec 3 and 4 year are the most happening ones. So juniors, enjoy those 2 years! (:

2006 - RCY

cannot rmb where I took this photo from, but it's cool.

Us, when we were sec 1s.

-------------------------------------------------------

2007 - PSB

when I first became a PSL. should be after Leaders' Invest.

AJ Seminar; first external event I attended as a PSL I think.

cheem.

-------------------------------------------------------------

2008 - RCY

NDP '08

SYF '08

Love the video man!

Inter-unit Activity

Inter-UG Activity - Cycling

Beach Cleaning
Many funny photos taken, but I shall not share here.

Cadet link Activity at Haig Girls' (1)

Cadet link Activity at Haig Girls' (2)
Cute kid right?

Chiangmai in June

Chalet

Annual Camp 2008.

The greatest challenge for our squad, I suppose.

Criticisms, rejections, conflicts, and everything else.

But I'm glad everything ended well at the end of the day.

Broken relationships mended, and positive feedback from some.

That's the most important thing to me. Though we didn't meet up to expectations, I feel that we've already fared a lot better than expected. So good job squadmates! Thanks for being so cooperative during that period of time!

2008 - PSB

PSGM '08 OI/C. First big event I took up as a PSL.

This is not the real PSGM photo, btw.

Express Yourself Day.

I'm not in the picture! ):

RGS PSS; frightening experience.

It was a challenge for me (and probably the Exco) because we had to share

with other PSBs abt our Board. Public speaking skills!

Made new friends though, and the process of making our ppt was fun!

TJC SLC '08.

Though it was rather scary (VC and I were one of

the few secondary sch student leaders there),

we managed to learnt a lot from the congress.

Their games were really fun and original!

(esp job hunt!)

PSB Farewell.

I rmb the attendance was pretty good.

And this event was rather significant to me because it was the period

when I started to feel great passion in leading this Board.

2008 - Class

Express Yourself Day.

We took more photos subsequently,

but somehow they never got to me.

e.g. graduation ):

----------------------------------------------------------

2009 - RCY

FDC '09 in Feb 14.

It was a long, memorable, sweaty, tanned, nerve-wracking journey.

Really thank the VIs and everyone else who have helped us

to clinch the championship title.

I'm so gonna miss the times when we fought hard tgt as a team. ):

Enrichment programme.

SHF tour with sec 1s and 2s.

Henderson Bridge Walk.

I'll never forget everyone's exhausted faces at the end of the 9km walk.

And not forgetting the monkey, which Rach took a picture with. :/

March Leadership Camp.

Horrible experience 'cos I needed sleep so badly then.

Will never forget the phone ringing incident.

Embarrassing!

Pass Out Parade.

It took us so long to choose the leaders.

Not sure if we've made the correct decisions.

But then again, doesn't really matter anym actually.

It's just time to take a back seat and let go.

030709 at ECP.

One of the best days spent with squadmates!

Farewell.

A pity we didn't take more photos. ):

But all the gifts were nice! (:

2009 - Click

Cycling outing!
Fun fun fun! (:

Prom shopping.

and stayover at Jean's!

2009 - PSB

Awesome farewell!

---------------------------------------------

Alright, that's the end of this post! Dedications in the next post I hope. (:

Thoughts ran wild.

2010-01-01T14:23:00.000+08:00

Let's just pray that when time goes on,
feelings fade and I'll learn to walk alone.

This moment, is perfect.

2010-01-01T12:26:00.003+08:00

Be prepared for a long happy post ahead! (:

YAY Homecoming was awesome because of Click, PSLs (esp lidiya and nurul) and VC! (:

Firstly, I just want to comment on yesterday's Click stayover. To sum it all up, it was cosy and nice staying over at jean's! (: Nice place, comfortable sofa to sleep on (tried to make jean sleep on it instead, but to no avail), clean bathroom, and food! Though the shopping trip in the afternoon for prom acessories and other prom items was not exactly productive for me, I still enjoyed spending quality time with these cute little owls who desperately need to cultivate the habit of sleeping at night! (:

YAY, I love those random conversations which we shared last night that had us in fits of laughter occasionally. Nat was really cranky, laughing so innocently (haha!) at the silliest moments. As for dear jean, she was happily keeping herself busy throughout the night by talking on the phone with her scandalous junior. :P So preoccupied with the love lives of other ppl right! Hehe, kidding only.

Bei, don't be sad! We must have a complete gathering sometime soon yeah? And let's go jean's hse again next time! ('cos there's food! haha!) Why do I appear to be the greediest one in this clique man. They always "scold" me for pigging out, as though that's my second nature. ): It's alright, I shan't let this dampen my mood now. Hehe, kidding only. You guys cannot possibly dampen my mood. (: Ok, selected pictures below! More on fb. (:

Is someone jealous? :P

Anyway, as I was saying, Homecoming was great also because of VC! Thanks for touring w me today. (Actually, I think I was the one accompanying you and jiaxuan, but that doesn't matter. Haha.) YAY, we managed to catch up a little. Better than nth, wheee. Don't worry, I'll plan the Exco outing w you soon alright? Just text/call me when you're ready to plan. I'm just lazy to start. :P

I think I'm typing such a happy post here because of Click, squadmates, and L&N, to be specific. Thank you L&N for the gifts and letters! I was really really really touched and happy when I saw food inside the bag! Haha. Kidding only, I was more happy to see you guys and talk to y'all a bit. Don't run away from me next time, N! Haha. Thanks for making my day, kids! (: Honestly, I hope I won't grow even fatter because of the chocolates.

Oh yes, I found it comforting seeing the PSLs in their bright red T-shirts today! So proud of them.

After the concert, Matil and I went for lunch w the sec 2s (James, Jeslyn, WC). Haha, managed to pull Matil along, and I'm honestly very thankful that I extended the invitation to her. All I shall say here is, thanks WC and james for the teasing man. Your efforts are greatly "appreciated", note the inverted commas okay. Haha. And Matil, it was great catching up with you too. The best thing is, some of your spastic expressions reminded me of myself. Haha. Rubbish and nonsence aside, jiayou w upcoming year alright? I hope you'll make all the wise decisions and juggle your commitments well. I'll always have faith in you. And sorry for not being able to offer much help to your current problem. ):

Final prom shopping w squadmates after that. Prom has been giving me a lot of hassle recently, and I'm glad everything's finally settled now. Everyone was being more lame and retarded than usual today. Haha, laughed so much today. I srsly love everyone's spastic expressions ttm, and it's a pity I cannot see mine.

Oh well, I guess that puts an end to my happy new year eve.
Happy post, as promised.

Here are just two random Exco pictures on fb, which brought in quite a few comments. Can Cedarians be less amusing than this?

P.S. Thank you carin for the letter. (:

A miracle of sorts.

2009-12-30T15:23:00.002+08:00

{/edited}

I'm reallyyy excited to see click tmr! YAY! And adding on, thank you Dotty for talking to me now. This convo we are having now really comforts me alot. Thank you so so much for that reassurance (that I'm a nice person). Aww. Hahah! ((:

Sorry squadmates, cannot hang out w you guys tmr. ): I know it's not gonna be as fun, but do bear w it for a day yeah! Hehe :P

I was just tagging photos in my fb albums.

Missing all the fun and laughter we used to share during activities like Beach Cleaning. ): We looked so, so happy (and retarded) then.

How I wish I can turn back time.
I srsly don't mind going through all the struggles as the HOW for the second time, just for the sake of reliving those special moments spent w squadmates and juniors.

Really thankful for having this squad of mine. Even though we had our rocky times, I truly enjoyed every single moment spent w you guys. Thanks for respecting me, giving me endless support, and always listening to me whenever I needed attention. From time to time, you guys have shown me the unity of this squad. We may not have worked well as a team all the time, but I'm comforted enough to see us still smiling at each other along the corridors and having as much fun as before during gatherings. I can never thank you guys enough for moulding me into who I am today. Thank you, squadmates. (:

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry.

2009-12-27T03:16:00.003+08:00

Something I looked forward to for such a long time.

But, I'm too tired to pen down my thoughts right now.

Next time then.

Expectations, and more.

2009-12-24T07:34:00.000+08:00

{/edited}

What hurts most is your reaction towards this issue.
I thought you'd understand from my point of view,
even when others don't.

Do you know it's freaking tiring to do this. (non-physical)
Do you know this is one of the few times in my life I want a break so badly.
Do you know how much I miss seeing you guys ard and having meals with y'all.

Have the slightest idea how it feels to come home seeing everyone all asleep,
and wake up the next day, missing out on the same old faces?

You don't. (In case you didn't notice, that carried on for 3 consecutive days.)
Yet, you're asking so much from me.
I need time to adapt, rmb?

All I want for Christmas is to pause,
and spend quality time with you all.

Impossible, seems like it.

21 minutes.

2009-12-17T14:09:00.000+08:00

Cheer up, anon1! (:
Stay happy, anon2! (:

I don't want to see you guys sad anym okay!

They say, "Keep the faith".

2009-12-17T02:52:00.000+08:00

After all that I've gone through,
if someone were to tell me that particular phrase one more time,
I'd most probably agree with her.

Past experiences have proven to me that broken relationships can be mended, so long as we give each other some healing time. That may take a few days, months, or even years. It's just a matter of whether you still believe in each other under those circumstances, and are willing to put aside all prejudices to start afresh.

(But then again, sometimes you cannot trust your feelings under those circumstances because you may be too emotional to think rationally. So, it depends.)

Sometimes you feel that you've lost faith in the people ard you. They disappoint you, they make you feel helpless, they make you want to give up on them completely. And to put it crudely, they kind of serve as an ominous reminder of the fragility of friendships in your life. In such a situation, these people may even make you end up losing confidence in your future relationships.

But ever taken out time to wonder this, maybe we've been misjudging each other right from the start? Maybe you haven't really had a heart-to-heart talk with the other party because one side has not been honest enough? Probably due to stubborness or, just that inborn tendency to "reject" people. That's when misunderstandings start to arise and negative feelings gradually shaken the beliefs you once held so strongly to.

I went through all of that.

But things are fine now, ain't it?
Doesn't it just take time?

All I want to say is,
if the foundation has really (not one-sided) been strong right from the start,
Keep the faith.

Everyday Greatness

2009-12-15T03:28:00.000+08:00

This, is a good book. Skimmed through it when I was at Times with mt. Ahh, I'm so gonna buy it when I get my pay. Hehe, excited much.

Anyway, I nearly forgot to blog abt my "shopping" trip with mt. Haha. We shopped for gifts and ended up roaming ard ps. Times was the funniest 'stop'. We saw this book which teaches young girls to dress up and stuff. That includes knowing your body shape, etc. And guess what, we started measuring ourselves on the spot. Embarassing, I tell you.

Haha, but it was a funny shopping experience. yay, I love Times.

When I'm down and oh my soul so weary,

2009-12-15T02:13:00.003+08:00

I miss squadmates! ):
chalet chalet chalet!
farewell farewell farewell!
(((:

I shall first update on my first day at work last night. I thought I'd use the word "stressed". But no, "tiring" would be more appropriate in this case. (I knew it. Without those prayers, I'd have died.) Anyway, the people in my group are nice! This job really requires teamwork and communication among the group members man. Another most important thing is to, ask. I'm so fortunate to have my experienced cousins ard. (:

Oh but one sad thing that happened was, I couldn't serve because I'm a newcomer. So while the rest were busy with portioning and serving, I just stood ard, feeling so awkward. That was when I decided to do sth; refill the guests' beverage although I know they could not possibly handle so many glasses at one time. Yes, each guest had chinese tea, red/white wine, beer (upon request), and iced water. Haha! The guests were rather amusing at times, and they made work a lot easier for me.

Everything ended at 0000hr last night. I was so relieved.
Tues, here I come.
1100hr - 0000hr.
Best.

---

Although I've only worked for a day, I feel rather detached from the world. Haha, that sounded really exaggerated. The main point is, I'm starting to miss people. I miss hanging out with squadmates. We haven't been meeting up lately, people. I miss anon1&2, though we managed to talk on saturday night. I miss jermai, feel so bad for not talking to her before she left. I miss that person who went Taiwan to see hot guys for a week. Hurry come back kay! I'm still waiting for your msg.

Not forgetting, my beloved click. I'm still waiting for the pictures, hehe.

And... dotty, why are you MIA? ):

Alright, this is not supposed to be some melancholic post.

I'm off to finish up successor's gifts.

yay, I'm proud of myself.

Hehe.

Climbing higher through the fire.

2009-12-10T15:35:00.000+08:00

YAY!

#1; Carin and Nurul are back! Haha, didn't expect myself to miss them. 'cos I don't exactly miss people who go overseas.

#2; I've (finally) started on the farewell cards. Surprisingly, I've got quite some stuff to say to everyone. (:

---

It's getting kind of weird and uneasy, the way you look at me in the eyes. Those eyes, they are no longer asking for forgiveness. Neither are they asking for acceptance anymore. I don't like this feeling. Like some kind of impending disaster. This sudden premonition of what might happen next unsettles me.

I still rmb how badly frightened I was when you confronted me in the face, and daringly demanded an explanation from me. You have never done that before. And I never expected such a brave confrontation as well. I could only afford to keep quiet, and bitterly swallow everything that you said.

All along, I lack the will to face my inner feelings. Deep inside, I know I've forgiven. The letter has proven this. But then again, I just cannot face you the same way as I face her. The moment our eyes meet, I'll be so tempted to look away. I just cannot do it. Tell me what to do.

Aloof and nonchalant; that's merely a facade that I put up. But I know no one will look beyond that layer (?) of superficiality and understand. People easily judge from what they see on the outside. That's somehow, human nature to me.

A sense of doom hanging over us.

---

On a happier note, I think BFF is awesome. Have been spending these few days with her and I realize how blessed I am to have her in my life. We can talk about everything and anything in the world, and sometimes I cannot help sighing and wondering when I'll find another confidante like her. Where you can make all sorts of unglam actions without being "judged", and simply be yourself.

Hmm, haven't exactly expressed my heartfelt feelings to her. But I guess she can sense it. How much I love her. (:

---

Family chalet made me ponder over an issue recently.

If someone calls you fat, would you mind?

If someone makes fun of you and your big butt, would you get angry?

If someone teases you because of your acne problem and (irritatingly) starts touching your face which has been applied with expensive acne cream, would you feel like slapping her and twisting her neck?

I used to mind, and get offended real easily. Especially when it happened to the people ard me. I'd probably be thinking, can she just get a life and look at herself in the mirror or have the decency to find out how expensive the acne cream is? That's in the past. On the way back home, I started thinking and recalled those bad times when I got rejected, embarrassed, or even insulted by people. I realize that's how society works. That's how certain people behave, and you cannot change. You have to learn to accept/ignore criticisms, or you'll just live in agony like how I used to do.

I think I'll encounter similar situations when I start working. Heard that the management is changing due to urgent calls from the public to improve the standard of services in hotels. So, one mistake and you'll get blasted. The old, sensitive me would most probably start emo-ing on the spot. Haha. Hopefully I can apply what I've learnt these few days and laugh off those remarks if that situation really happens.

All she asked was, "why y'all so sensitive". And that set the gears moving in my brain for the past few days. Haha, I really tend to over-think.

---

Haha, anon1's so excited to see me in sch on Fri that she cannot sleep now. heehaw, that sounds great. (:

Update: I'll be working this Sun, next Tues, Fri, Sat, and Sun. Great, I'm just gonna drop dead before the start of chalet.

At sixes and sevens.

2009-12-09T14:47:00.000+08:00

I miss talking to shifu. ): For some weird reason, she's like the only person whom I can get really high with over msn. And I always enjoy talking to her, 'cos we don't exactly talk crap all the time.

But I still don't mind talking crap. (:

I shall think of sth to cheer myself up! Click outing on Mon! (: Despite the scary encounter with snowy, the whole thing was fun, fun, fun! (: yay! I love cycling and hanging out with these people.

Reasons as follows:

Bei's random conversations when we were cycling in pairs.
Squid's lovely smile and her attempts to get me wet and sandy.
Bean's successful attempts to secretly take unglam shots of me, but still not that unglam.
(And I'm thankful for that)

They make me happy, even without uttering a single word.
It has been a long time since I last felt completely at ease during silent moments.
It has been a long time since I last felt so comfortable being just myself.

I think four makes up an awesome clique. (:

Work's starting this Sun. I should smile at the thought of getting my pay at the end of the week. But I cannot bring myself to. I think it's gonna be scary. ):

Mt, I'm really jealous of you; I want to stay in an office. I want a computer placed right in front of me. I want to spend the day typing away. I want your job. Haha!

To walk on stormy seas.

2009-12-07T13:50:00.001+08:00

Adding on...

JIAYOU PSGM OI/Cs (jeslyn, shannon, carin)! You guys can do it! I know time's not on your side, but please persevere for the next few months! It's gonna be a bumpy ride, but I'm sure you guys will learn a lot in the process. Same goes to the other Sec 2s who are attached to various departments. Rmb to give your best shot. And feel free to seek advice from me! (:

The clock goes ticking life away.

2009-12-07T13:43:00.000+08:00

Have been thinking quite a lot recently, but I'm way too lazy to put them down in words. Sorry for not updating!

Family chalet was fun. (: Viking was a little scary; I felt like someone drilled holes into my stomach or sth. Haha. I love BBQ most! For some weird reason, the food turned out nicer. (: yay, overall it was fun. All thanks to my cousins and their hilarious facial expressions.

I really don't enjoy blogging abt such stuff y'know. I think it's weird to share such crappy stuff.

On a side note, I've decided to dedicate this short paragraph to anon&anon! Hey people, for some reason, I feel kind of happy when I found out the reason why y'all haven't been talking to me recently. (: I really didn't expect y'all to get so emotional because of me! And y'know what? I was actually looking forward to your tags when I was away at chalet. (I admit that I was a bit disappointed, :/) Anyway, next time don't think too much kay? I won't get angry for no reason! Haha! Now that we've cleared the misunderstanding, y'all must cheer up alright! (: Talk to you guys soon! (:

Haha, I srsly have really cute "anon" friends ard me. ((: Somehow, I feel appreciated with them ard. (:

Give me a week's time.

2009-12-02T22:00:00.000+08:00

Some people’s lives are so boring they feel the need to stimulate themselves by artificially creating frustration and stress through game playing. What would happen if instead of diverting themselves with pointless trivia, they upped the difficulty of real-world problems they tackled?

Don't forget the power in the struggle.

2009-11-30T23:29:00.000+08:00

I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned - that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned - that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned - that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

Everything's a mess.

2009-11-28T15:55:00.002+08:00

If life was easy, where would the adventures be?

2009-11-28T08:48:00.001+08:00

Shall reply the letters here! (:

And since shannon likes this,

It shall be the picture of the day!

WC; Thanks for coming up with the origins of Jia Ai. (: Honestly, I thought it was some lame story until I saw the explaination behind. heehee, I really love the meaning behind it. (: Actually, it's really not stressful as you think. You can definitely still cope with all the stress as Chair, just that you must manage your time well enough not to jeopardize your studies. (: & don't let me hear you saying that you're not impt in this Board! Every one is. (: Glad to hear that all went well for you that day! But please don't skip lunch next time okay! Lastly, thank you for all your thank-you(s) in the letter. Will miss you woman! And btw, thanks so much for being in my grp for RUNWAY. Ahh, awful memories. Haha! (:

Sarah; hellohellohellohellohellohello...! (: I find it tiring enough to type so many hello(s). How on earth did you actually write them down man. Haha. woah, you're the best; derive pleasure from annoying me! tskk. Thanks for always laughing at me, like srsly. Haha, I don't rmb myself laughing at everything and anything okay! Anyway, I really hope I can get good results la. :/ I can only pray hard now. And I want to be nurse, not doctor! Haha, hope I won't get to treat you! You better stay healthy! (:

Gerry; You're srsly like the second sarah! Hers is "hello", and yours is "hi". tskk. And best, you always enjoy disturbing me. I think that's the only reason why you guys like the Board right! tskk. You're srsly retarded, but then again, I suppose we need this kind of people in the Board. 'cos you said I'm retarded, and the Board needs cool (and retarded) people like me. heehee. (:I'll miss you a lot too! (No, I'm lying) (KIDDING). HAHA! That was really retarded. And the joke that ends it all is even, well, retarded. Haha!

Jynnlin; I prefer writing your name tgt. (: Haha, yes, the funny morning announcements were meant to make you guys laugh and get your attention. (: And of course, I know you guys love me a lot! I still rmb the group hug! Hahaha! It was nice talking to you on msn yesterday! Really sorry for not adding you online prior to farewell, I really didn't know! Haha! Continue to keep in touch yeah? (:

Florence; Haha, you're an equally AWESOME PSL! (: I'm really glad that the Exco managed to pull you into this Board during the selection period. You truly have the potential to do well, and similiarly, you can inspire your juniors next time like the way I did. (: jiayou alright, never lose faith in yourself. And juggle all your commitments well, don't neglect any of them! You've what it takes to handle them. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. -Albert Einstein (:

Maryam; Aww, "awesome" just appeared again. heehee! Do ya'll like that word so much? Haha! I think it's because I've weird facial expressions, just like what sarah said. But Hanan said that I looked zai during appraisal! tskk, you better not laugh! Next time when you need to have appraisal with Mrs Koh, I shall see whether you can still laugh! Anyway, your last sentence is weird. You sounded like I'm born to make people laugh AT me. tskk! But don't worry, you still rock. I'll never forget the way you laugh. (:

Shannon; Haylow woman! (: Thanks for your dedication. heehee! I'm so gonna miss you y'know! ): Anyway, I was bloghopping and I saw your name almost everywhere in the juniors' blogs! Haha! Not bad huh, someone's popular enough to run for elections next time. Awesome! (: I want to see that happen in a few mths' time okay! Must do the LEE family proud! I've confidence in you. yay, I love shannon the lee! (:

Jaime; Hello Mr Cheerful James! (: yay, you've got a third nickname! (: Haha, thanks for training me to become such an ego senior man. And actually, I think I've said everything in my letter for you already. (: Keep me updated on how you're doing through msn yeah? & you must avoid contact with those nervous breakdowns at all costs! Be more confident okay! Just stay optimistic! I think it works. (: Haha, actually I'm advicing myself too. heehee. Hope everything will turn out well for Netball! I promise not to frown too often! I'll reallly miss you too! (:

Jeslyn; Hey it's so hard to read your letter! Haha, I think black ink pen cannot go with red-coloured paper. Anyway, I didn't really lend you much stuff actually. Corryne lent you most of the books, haha. (: Thanks so much for the presents! yay, I've new socks! And they are green! (: Oh man, y'know what. I was quite surprised when I read the second and third paragraphs. I didn't expect you to see through the facade I put up! oh no! Haha, actually it's not exactly a facade. I just don't want people to worry for me. (: Not to worry, I've learnt to let go already. (: And I'm gonna read the zhong xin later! Hopefully I'll understand better. (: Thanks for the Christmas card too! (:

Won't you take me by the hand and lead me to somewhere new?

2009-11-27T12:29:00.002+08:00

Today was a happy day. (:

Gave letters. Received letters. Took photos with Board (+ Mrs Koh), Sec 4s, Exco, Sec 2s, and 2 cute Sec 1s. A pity I forgot to ask for their names. sheesh. Someone, please tell me their names if you know!
Had a chat w Exco and some Sec 2s as well. (:

The letters are still the best. yay, I'll treasure every single one of them a lot! (:

Awesome. Haha! I'm starting to love that word. (:
YAY, PSB is really big big love. (:

oh man, I bet fb acct is gonna be flooded w unglam, candid pictures. ):